Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed
by MarcyJ
Summary: Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
1. Bananarama

_Author's Note: This story would be completely impossible without the inspiration from ECABS story The Birds and the Bees, and without UnicornGoddess95's spin off, "The Birds and the Bees: Emmett Style." Any references to their work is intentional, and with permission._

_A giant Thank You Hug is also issued to ECABS and UnicornGoddess95 for their fantastic support and Beta Reading (aka Comma Killing)_

_Go read their stuff, it really is that good!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's wonderful characters. They belong explicitly to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer. Were I, however, in possession of any of the Cullen Men, I would be far to "otherwise occupied" to spend time writing._

This day would be memorable, there was no getting around it. One way or another, my family would be talking about this event for weeks --maybe even months-- to come. In the interest of not eating any of my classmates, Edward, Emmett, and I had spent all day yesterday hunting. We would have been absent today, but in Forks, this was a graduation requirement. Even with the thirst temporarily satiated, this was going to be Hell. Too many bodies would be crammed into one room. Their blood would be pulsing more wildly--more painfully-- than usual. Then, on top of _that_ elixir, I would be assaulted by the tidal wave of emotions. Humans reacted so predictably to this topic. It would have been amusing, but I was going to have to _feel _their embarrassment, as well as their excitement.

"Now is the winter of our discontent." Edward quoted quietly and pushed thru the door of the gym. Even _this_ made our boy whip out the Shakespeare. Poor Bella. Their relationship was like an overly censored play: all of the mushy dialogue, but none of the swordfights.

I glanced around quickly and noted the grid of desks uncharacteristically covering the worn, wooden floors. Instinctively, we all headed to the back row of seats, and out of view. Well, almost all of us did.

"I want to sit near the front." Rosalie pouted, grabbing Emmett's arm.

Of course she did. She would never admit it, but she was looking forward to this as much as Emmett was. Maybe more. I noticed for the first time what she was wearing, or more appropriately, what she was _not_ wearing.

As always, Alice's thoughts were in sync with my own. "Nice skirt, Rosalie." Alice chided. "So much for being inconspicuous."

Her jibe caught Emmett's attention. His eyes journeyed up and down Rosalie's body appreciatively. Edward and I groaned simultaneously, so I supposed Emmett's thoughts were as explicitly graphic as his emotions. "Are you planning to be the visual aid?" Emmett quipped. "I'll bet Clapp calls on you for a demonstration."

Coach Clapp's "demonstrations" were something of a legend in Forks. It was impossible that the stories were _all_ true, or the man would be unemployed, and possibly incarcerated. However, as all mythical monsters know, almost every legend is rooted in fact. Clearly, taking part in any of today's demonstrations was something to avoid.

Emmett and Rosalie took two center seats on the front row. He turned around backwards in his chair to give us two thumbs up and an impish grin as we passed.

Alice's soft laugh rang as she took my hand into hers and looked at me playfully. "Emmett was wrong." She purred. "_Rosalie_ isn't going to be part of the demonstration today, _he_ is!"

"Maybe I was wrong, too, then." I worked hard to make my voice sound light for Alice's sake. "If watching Emmett make a fool of himself is on the agenda, then maybe this isn't Hell after all"

"Not quite, I don't think." She teased. "But it is going to be…_interesting_." Her eyes darted meaningfully towards Edward and Bella.

Bella's cheeks were already stained a tempting crimson, and both she and Edward were emitting waves of fear and embarrassment—no, mortification—even though we had not yet taken our seats. I smiled in spite of myself. Edward's awkwardness was comical. He was _more_ than qualified to give today's lecture. With two medical degrees, he undoubtedly had more knowledge on the subject than any of the teachers here at Forks High. Well, at least intellectual knowledge, he was sorely lacking any hands on experience.

We seated ourselves then: I in the far back corner, Alice beside me, with Edward and Bella sitting awkwardly next to her. I was grateful, at least, that there were four empty rows of seats in front of me, and none of the other humans came to sit anywhere near our little group. Grateful, too, that Bella's blood, even as close as she was, would not be much of a temptation today. When humans are afraid, the fear and adrenaline makes their blood smell much sweeter, and taste exponentially better. Even with my other sense, my _special_ sense, fear heightens the experience for me. However, Bella was not truly afraid; she was nauseated, and she was radiating that feeling right at me. It was extremely unsettling to feel sick to a stomach that had not worked in a century and a half. I was glad for it, though. If I could focus on the queasy sensation, it might help me block the other humans; might help me block my need. Thanks to yesterday's hunting trip, I was not particularly thirsty. And, I assumed Alice would have warned me if I was going to attack anyone. That was comforting, at least.

Every single student enrolled in Forks High School age sixteen and up--the age of consent in Washington--was forced into this torture chamber today. Angela Webber, seated next to little Ben Cheney, was pulsing with almost as much nausea as Bella. Angela and Ben were radiating something else, too. Oddly enough I could not identify it exactly from their emotions. I made a mental note to ask Edward about it later.

Hysteria washed over the gym as Coach Clapp pushed a giant wheelbarrow thru the open door. His eyes scanned the room gleefully; he was enjoying this far too much. With a cocky stride and an inflated ego, he approached the microphone.

"Good morning students. Welcome to Sex Education."

The atmosphere was so thick with unease and anticipation that I was sure even the humans felt it. Coach Clapp idled away the first few minutes discussing trivialities such as "state mandates" and "district ethics." His speech was humorous. He was proud of the _innocence_ of Forks. Here, he believed, you _could_ wait until the students were sixteen, and of legal age, to address the sexual topic; but in some bigger cities it was needed earlier. I wasn't even half-listening, but his remarks made me smile. Coach Clapp was blind. In a small town like Forks, where there was little _else_ to do, the students probably needed Sex Ed sooner than the kids from the city did. I had read enough emotions, and Edward had read enough minds to know that _innocence _was a rare commodity here. Well, with the two exceptions of Edward and Bella

Four minutes into his speech, Coach Clapp began living up to the hype. He went over not only the scientific terms, but also the crude slang, for every sexual organ and sexual act in existence. He named off a few slang terms that even I had never heard of, which made me think he was making those up. What the hell was a scub, anyway? He was clearly trying to impress us now, but I sensed that at least half of everything he was describing, he had gotten no closer to than a textbook--or perhaps a magazine. Moreover, I had seen him and his wife together. She seemed far more interested in the lunch-lady than in her own husband. I was certain that were she here, Mrs. Clapp would appreciate Rosalie's skirt as much as Emmett did.

If I were in any other company, I would find this little man, standing in front of a group of squirming teenagers, defining _cunnilingus, _hysterical. However, to his obvious pleasure--and my regret-- his creepiness was making the students uncomfortable, and they in turn were making me feel downright ill. It was more painful than any blood lust I had endured. I would much rather be suppressing the urge to kill Edward's Bella than this urge to—what was it exactly?—vomit on her. At least the first felt more natural.

I had been right; this _was_ Hell.

But did it have to be? In my frustration, I had overlooked something crucial. I could not help but be overwhelmed by the emotions of these hormonal teenagers, but I _could _change what they were feeling. This did not have to be torturous; it could be devilishly fun.

I decided that since, at the heart of it, most of the blame belonged to Coach Clapp, that he should be the first to bear my wrath. He was discussing the symptoms of syphilis, now: an altogether disgusting topic. Were he to become visibly _aroused_ while describing genital ulcers, it would be a bit embarrassing for him. I was not sure if I could affect him from all the way across the gym floor, but I decided it was worth a shot. Anything to keep from picturing the genital ulcers he was rambling on about.

I looked over at Alice, and tried to picture her as she had looked the previous night. It was not a difficult image to conjure. She was so beautiful, so sensual. Her eyes flickered over to meet mine when she noticed my gaze, and I did not have to search for the right feeling. The passion came on its own. I smiled at her then, and closed my eyes, reveling in the sensation running thru my body. This was going to be far too easy with Alice sitting beside me. Almost no challenge at all.

I turned my attention back to Coach Clapp, opening my eyes slowly to look at him, and emanating the full force of my talent in his direction. Perhaps I overdid it.

"They are called pearly penile papules, but they are not danger…" Coach Clapp was mid-sentence when it struck him. He plopped down quickly into the chair behind the table holding the microphone. Too quickly. The mic fell forward off the table and onto the wooden floor. He was going to have to stand up and walk around in front of the table to retrieve it. Everyone would see! I prepared myself for the onslaught of glee and disgust when the students realized what was going on, but it never came. Instead, I just felt the same passion that I had directed at Coach Clapp. I looked around, wondering if everyone could be so dense as to not see what was happening. Surely my brothers would enjoy this as much as I did! It was then that I noticed Edward glaring at me, furious.

Yes, perhaps I _had_ overdone it. Coach Clapp bore the brunt of my blow, but every single individual in the room was affected. The males were shifting around uncomfortably in their seats. The most conspicuous of them all was Emmett, giant Emmett, in the very front row. Rosalie looked a bit riled up sitting next to him as well, and for a moment, I worried that the two of them _would_ be giving the class a demonstration after all. Emmett's self-control was never very strong around Rosalie, even without this extra dose of lust.

Eric Yorkie stood and held up a book to cover his now obvious problem. I read the title from across the room,_Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual (An Illustrated Compendium of Monsters: Aerial Servant to Zombie_) I knew what he was taking it to the bathroom to do, and I would've bet the whole of Alice's stock market earnings that that book was going to play a pivotal role in his intended activity. I idly wondered which monsters got him going.

I glanced back in Edward's direction, readying my thoughts to apologize, but he was no longer glaring at me. He was staring at Bella, who was staring at the new development in his lap. As soon as she realized what she was doing, and realized that _Edward_ realized it, too, she jerked backwards away from his desk. Not surprisingly, Bella's uninjured leg caught against her cast and she flailed face first out of her seat. Edward was too shocked by her staring to react in time. Her forehead whacked hard against the gym floor. I knew immediately that it would leave a bruise. All eyes turned to look at Bella as Edward helped her up and back into her seat. Her little performance had broken the spell, and everyone seemed a bit more comfortable now, with the exception of Bella, of course. Bella's face had never redder.

Abruptly, Edward was snarling. At first, I assumed he was angry that Bella had been hurt because of my antics, but when I looked up at him, he _still_ wasn't looking at me. He was glowering at Mike Newton, who was staring transfixed at Bella. I realized immediately that my little lust whammy had not yet vacated the premises, and that Mike's own lust was, no doubt, directed at Edward's girl.

Edward's low snarls were much too quiet for any of the humans to hear, but loud enough that Emmett and Rosalie turned around to stare at him. They eyed Edward, and then synchronically shifted their gazes to Mike. Rosalie donned a bored expression and redirected her attention to Coach Clap, who had reclaimed his composure--as well as the microphone--and was now listing the benefits of condom use. I needed to calm Edward down, and soon. I tried to focus my emotions into a calm, tranquil state, but there was just too much hostility coming off of Edward. I was absorbing his fury like a sponge.

"Damn it, Jasper!" I heard Alice swear beside me.

I realized, too late, what had happened. Rather than sending soothing waves at Edward, I had been radiating Edward's fury to the back half of the gym. Edward jumped out of his chair, balled his hands into fists, and glowered at Newton. He was losing control; even the humans could probably hear his faint snarling now. Mike rose and snapped around to face Edward. The same hatred, anger, and aggression flashed in both of their eyes. I could not believe it. They were going to _fight_!

"Do something!" I heard Bella whimper. What could I do? I had done rather enough already. My own emotions were far too jumbled to risk "helping" any more than I already had.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett leap to his feet. Had my little aggression wave reached that far? I didn't think so. I hoped that he was coming to restrain Edward, and not to help him attack the Newton kid

"Cullen? Newton?" Coach Clapp's questioning voice boomed.

Edward and Mike turned to stare dumbly at the teacher, both of their postures relaxing. The hostility in the room was swiftly waning. I calmed myself quickly, and did what I could to put everyone at ease. It seemed to work.

"I'm sorry boys." Clapp went on, gesturing at Emmett, Edward, and Mike, all three of whom were still standing. "I only brought two bananas. You will have to decide who gets to do it. I don't normally get so many volunteers!"

At the mention of the word "volunteers" Edward sat down quickly. Emmett and Mike still stood gawking confusedly at Coach Clapp.

"Don't just stand there boys!" Coach Clapp belted. "Let the games begin!"

Alice raised her chin and winked at me smugly. "I told you so." She laughed.

"_Bananas_?" I asked her in disbelief.

Her only reply was another little wink before she turned around to watch Emmett and Mike stand stupidly at the front of the gym.

Coach Clapp pushed the wheelbarrow up to the podium. He grabbed the corner of the sheet that was serving to hide its contents, lifted it into the air with a flourish, and let it drop dramatically to the floor. An astonished hush fell over the gymnasium. The wheelbarrow was filled to the brim with little foil packages in various sizes and colors. At the peak of the condom mountain laid two mammoth bananas. He turned to face the shocked students.

"The object of this exercise, apart from entertaining your classmates, is to properly apply and remove 25 condoms to your banana as quickly as you can."

I laughed loudly along with everyone else.

"I can't really see the point in this." I said, turning to look at Edward. "If you need to get them on and off so _quickly_, do you really think you're going to be able to keep a girl, anyway? I mean, if you are that _fast…_?" I trailed off.

Eric Yorkie was strolling back into the gym--his Dungeons and Dragons book still clutched in his hand—with a satisfied expression on his pockmarked face. He had been gone for less than three minutes, so I supposed he _would_ benefit from this demonstration of rapid-fire condom changing.

Edward smiled at me then; a devilish smile that I had seen often just before he pulled some kind of a prank on Emmett or me.

"Jasper?" He questioned. "Would you mind doing me a favor?"

"What do you want me to do to Emmett? I laughed.

"To Emmett? Oh, I don't want you to do anything at all...to Emmett."

He smiled again, and then gestured to where Mike Newton was standing, holding a banana with a horrified expression on his face.

"However, Mike seems a little too comfortable up there. I do not like the things he was thinking about my Bella. No, I do not like them one bit. I _would_ like to watch him squirm for awhile."

"Edward!" Bella hissed. "Don't you think its bad enough that he's up there with a banana, and, and with….those?" She gestured unnecessarily to the condoms that Coach Clapp was laying out like rows of fallen dominoes in front of Emmett and Mike.

"Hardly." Edward purred. "He isn't suffering nearly enough for the things he was thinking—for the things he is _still_ thinking." His eyes shot up to look at Mike, and they were getting angrier by the second.

I looked up then, too. Sure enough, even with his banana in one hand and a condom in the other, Mike Newton's eyes were trained undeniably on Bella. Edward _did_ have a point; Bella was, after all, his girl. I felt a bit protective of her, too--having recently protected her from being eaten by a crazed tracker—so I decided that maybe Mike Newton _was_ in need of some good old-fashioned embarrassment. What could it hurt?

"What would you prefer?" I asked Edward slyly. "Should he be _really_ good at this, or _really_ bad?"

"Surprise me." He answered coolly.

As if anyone could surprise Edward. He would know my plan the instant I did, as would Alice. I realized suddenly that the only person to be surprised was also the one who would be the least amused: Bella.

Coach Clapp had positioned two chairs in front of the podium with the microphone, and was offering them to Emmett and Mike.

"Sit down, and secure your banana between your knees." Coach Clapp ordered. The contrast between the two "performers" was hilarious. Emmett was smiling from ear to ear, looking as if he had just won the lottery. Mike, on the other hand, looked like he had just been diagnosed with some terminal disease. Both boys lowered themselves into the seats and pressed their bananas between their knees.

"Mike is paler than you guys." Bella chuckled.

Coach Clapp was almost giddy. "On my whistle, boys. The first to _properly _apply protection to their fruit with 25 condoms will be the champion. If one of your condoms breaks during application or removal, then that one doesn't count. Safety first!"

Twenty-five condoms would not take very long. I answered my earlier question of Edward: Mike would be very _bad_. It would prolong their misery, and give the rest of us that much more pleasure. A shrill whistle pierced the air, signaling the start of this absurd competition. I relaxed back into my chair, and focused a feeling of lethargy to the front of the gym.

Humans always move slowly. Even by those weak standards, this was ridiculous—like an old LP record playing at the wrong speed. The whistle had blown, and the race was underway, but The Hare was missing. It was the Tortoise and the Tortoise. Emmett shot me what _would_ have been an angry look, were he not so enveloped by the "slow vibe" I had hurled at him. He did not even have the energy to infuse his eyes with the proper annoyance. I knew this was killing him. He was naturally competitive, and he seemed to think his intimate exploits with Rosalie were his finest athletic achievements.

It took a full 45 seconds for either competitor to open the wrapper of condom number one. Mike got his open first, but dropped it immediately onto the floor.

"Unsanitary!" Coach Clapp boomed. "Nix that one, start again!"

Emmett had finally defeated the first foil wrapper and had managed to successfully remove his condom without dropping it.

"Pinch the tip!" reminded Coach Clapp. A ripple of laughter echoed in the gym.

Pinching the tip as instructed, Emmett began to unroll the prophylactic over his giant produce.

I realized this was going to take far too long. Over a minute and a half had passed already, and Emmett was just now removing the first piece of latex. He was struggling hard to remove it, but he did not have enough strength in his exhausted state to do it properly. I laughed to myself, and sent another wave of emotion to the front of the room: a wave of hyperactivity. Emmett was caught off guard by his sudden surge of energy, and the condom he had been struggling to remove shot off his banana and into the gym, smacking Tyler Crowley in the forehead.

I howled with laughter. My enthusiasm was catching, naturally, and everyone around me began to cackle as well. The excess nerves, coupled with the newfound speed, were making Mike Newton even less coordinated than Bella. He had opened and dropped seven condoms in quick succession. It was a good thing there was a wheelbarrow full. Mike just might go thru all of them without getting one chalk line on his tally, not that he had any more _real_ experiences to tally than Edward did

Emmett's count was up to five now, but this was still taking too long. Amusing though it was, I had no desire to sit in this chair for another hour watching Mike Newton throw condoms on the ground. Inspiration stuck. If could pull it off, Edward would owe me big time, and Mike Newton would probably transfer school districts. If I did it wrong, Emmett might have Newton for lunch, literally. I decided either outcome would be entertaining. I focused on an unusual feeling in my gut. It was one that I could draw from humans, but one that I had not experienced for myself in ages. Hunger. I sent wave after wave of starvation at Mike Newton. He abruptly stopped fighting with the foil wrapper in his right hand, and cast it on top of the pile of failed attempts at his feet. There was a sick expression on his face. He wanted to fight this, he was going to try. I pulsed the hunger at him one more time, stronger than before. His entire body was shaking now. He could not resist the urge any longer. I _had_ pulled this one off. He was famished. He removed the banana from his knees and unwrapped it quickly.

I felt nothing but the shocked horror of the crowd as Mike Newton bit into his banana with a moan of release and revulsion.

"Wow." Alice said. "Even _I_ didn't see that one coming."


	2. Emmett and The Embryo

_A/N: Again, these characters still belong to the Great and Powerful Stephenie Meyer. I am just tinkering around with them for fun!_

_More giant thank you hugs for ECABS and UnicornGoddess95. Their friendship, support, and fabulous beta reading are responsible for this encore. Thanks for listening to me whine as I attempted to find new ways to torture the 'Forkians.' Again, if you still have not read their stories The Birds and The Bees, and The Birds and The Bee's Emmett Style, drop everything and go do it now!_

_Any likenesses to their stories is intentional and with permission (but I would have used them even if they said I couldn't! So Ha!)_

Emmett and the Embryo

It was a good thing that I no longer needed oxygen. If breathing were still necessary for my survival, I would have perished in this instant. Where the vicious bear had failed to end my existence all those years ago, Mike Newton and the banana would have succeeded. I was laughing so hard and so loudly that I would have been unable to take a breath to save my life. I was the only one laughing. The rest of the gym sat dumbfounded, gaping open mouthed in their seats. Even Alice's face had registered surprise at Mike's actions, and the human faces showed obvious disbelief. The most shocked of all, however, was Mike himself. He threw the now empty banana peel onto the pile of condoms at his feet. The expression on his sheet white face made it clear he longed for death, or at the very least, escape.

From across the gym I heard Edward quietly join in my still booming laughter. Jasper laughed then, too, and his mirth infected the room until all but two of the gym's occupants had joined in our merriment: Rosalie, who still looked bored; and Mike, who looked violently ill. The instant Jasper was silent the rest of the room ceased to laugh as well. I had never seen him so out of control of his abilities, and I wondered if he had blown a circuit by trying to affect so many people at once. If so, I hoped it was temporary. This situation was _already_ extremely out of hand.

Coach Clapp's whistle sounded behind me, followed by his voice crackling in the microphone.

"Well. I suppose Cullen wins this one, thanks to Mr. Newton's very…um…unorthodox forfeit." He shook his head quickly and chuckled. "You boys can sit back down now."

I slid smoothly back into my seat next to Rosalie—who gave me a quick eye-roll—and turned back to watch Newton. He appeared to be suddenly very absorbed in his own footwear as he strode dejectedly to his chair, making eye contact with no one. When he plopped down next to Jessica Stanley, she looked, for the first time, as if she would rather be sitting next to anyone in the world _but_ Mike Newton.

Coach Clapp produced a giant street sweeper broom from the equipment closet and herded the liberated condoms—with the exception of the one that attacked Tyler—and their now empty wrappers into the corner of the gym. _That_ mess was easy enough to clean up, but I wondered how much harder it was going to be to sweep away the ruin done to Mike's reputation.

Coach Clapp was back at the microphone. "So, when used _properly_," he raised one eyebrow at Mike, "condoms help in the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. Who can tell me something else condoms help prevent?" No one made a move to answer.

"Mr. Yorkie?" Clapp demanded.

Eric Yorkie looked up stupidly from the magazine he had been ogling, and managed a weak "Huh?"

"Tell me something else that condoms help to prevent."

Eric's eyes were blank. "Um. I don't know…chafing, maybe?"

The laughter exploded in the gymnasium again before Coach Clapp's stern face cut it short. He was clearly going to pretend he had never called on Eric at all.

"Miss Mallory?" He pressed.

Lauren Mallory threw a frantic, panicked glance at her boyfriend Connor before softly answering "Babies."

Lauren's and Connor's hearts both started thumping so loud and so fast they drowned out every other sound in the room for me. I looked over my shoulder at Edward and shrugged inconspicuously, I knew that he would understand what I was asking.

"They think she's pregnant." He mouthed the words to me.

"She's not." Alice mouthed, grinning.

I turned back around and laughed again. As far as human children went, Lauren Mallory was one of the cruelest I had ever encountered. I had seen her selfish actions and Edward had heard her thoughts. I did not feel the least bit guilty in reveling in her unwarranted gloom.

"That is correct. Condoms can be up to ninety-nine percent effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies. There are other very effective methods of birth control as well, not the least of which is abstinence. I have asked Dr. Carlisle Cullen to speak to you today about other birth control options, as well as to answer any questions you may have about pregnancy and childbirth. He should be arriving at any moment, but as we are ahead of schedule, I think we will go ahead and start the baby video while we wait."

I felt Rosalie tense beside me. Her eyes met mine and it was clear that she was angry. Her irritation was understandable. Carlisle had not informed any of us that he would be making this little cameo appearance in our gym today, but Rose and I were still sure to be the only two surprised. Alice would have 'seen' this coming, and she shared _everything_ with Jasper. Edward would have only to read Carlisle, Alice or Jasper's thoughts to become privy to it as well. I was a little miffed that none of them had been concerned enough to warn Rosalie.

Alice did not remember being human, so she was not sure if she had ever wanted to be a mother. She didn't feel that loss. Rosalie did. As a human, Rose had dreamt of finding a loving husband from a well-to-do family, and having two or three beautiful, well-to-do children of her own. Her children would have been beautiful, too, even if her husband had been a troll. Although she had ended up with a rather fine husband, if I may say so myself, and we were more affluent than she could have ever dreamed, Rosalie would never bear my child. She would never bear anyone's child. As deep as her love for me is, I know that this loss still hurts her. It was a pain she had directly confided only to Esme and me, but the others were still aware of it. I was angry at their lack of foresight by not giving us some warning. A feeling of calm spread over us then, and Rosalie relaxed. I turned around again to look at my siblings in the back row --with the intent of glaring at Jasper--and saw that the forlorn expression on Edward and Bella's faces matched those worn by Rosalie and me. I had not considered the implications to their future in this regard either, and I instantly forgave Edward for not warning me. He had other things on his mind.

Alice caught my eye and mouthed to me again. "Don't worry, it won't be sad."

I looked from Bella to Edward, and then back to Rosalie. I couldn't imagine how a happy little movie about the babies we could never have could _not_ be sad, but I hoped she was right. I comforted myself with the knowledge that she usually was.

As usual, Alice _was_ right. It was in no way a "happy little movie about babies" as I had worried. The title that flashed onto the screen was "The Joy of Childbirth." The title was the only appearance that "Joy" made anywhere in the video. The opening scene featured a woman who was experiencing childbirth, but she did not look joyful. She looked rather like the monster, or perhaps even the victim, in some gruesome horror movie. The next scene was of an embryo. It looked more like an alien than a baby; much less human than any of the members of my family. The narrator droned in a monotone voice about the progression of pregnancies in trimesters. He then moved on to things so graphically disturbing that I refuse to speak of them. Finally, we got down to the "action sequence" of the film. The woman screamed and writhed around in agony, but the narrator's voice was still as flat as if he were discussing bread mold.

"Labor and delivery can be quite painful for the mother. Each new life bears a price."

I thought back to my own painful transformation into _this_ new life and supposed that the narrator spoke some truth.

The movie had clearly been made as a deterrent to teenaged girls from having sex at all. The emphasis had been on the nine months of discomfort followed by several hours of pure agony. There were no touching moments of the woman cradling her new baby with a loving gleam in her eye. I was grateful for that much at least.

The movie was over, and Carlisle still had not arrived. Thankfully, Coach Clapp seemed at a total loss about what to lecture on next, so he gave the room a few minutes to talk quietly. Rosalie was _not_ talking though, and I knew she was still thinking about impossible dreams.

Three rows behind me I heard a faint sniffle. I identified the source as Lauren Mallory and snapped immediately from my somber reverie. I smiled mischievously at Rosalie, a plan forming quickly in my mind.

"Lauren and Connor are scared that she will soon be experiencing "The Joy of Childbirth" firsthand." I whispered so low that only Rosalie had any hope of hearing.

Jealousy danced in Rosalie's saffron eyes.

"But Alice says she won't." I assured, hoping to lift her from the settling gloom. Far removed as Rose was from her human days as a society girl, she still relished a good scandal. She already loathed the Mallory girl, anyway. Edward had let it slip that Lauren thought herself prettier than Rosalie. How she could believe _that_ was beyond me, there was no comparison, and I suspect that Edward was just goading Rose. She was usually apathetic towards humans as a whole, but her distaste of Lauren Mallory was surpassed only by her animosity for Bella. Rosalie's haunting eyes took on a vicious gleam, and she turned to face me, projecting her voice so that the rows behind us could hear her clearly.

"And I hear those stretch-marks never really fade. That's _almost_ worse than losing your figure permanently, to be scarred in such a way." Her eyes trailed slowly, purposefully, from mine around to Connor's. A new tone resonated in her satin voice, one that I recognized at once. It was her "come hither" voice, and it was usually reserved just for me. The boy didn't stand a chance. She entrapped his eyes with her own, and allowed the golden flames to burn. "With a ruined body, bikinis would definitely be out, how disturbing." Never breaking their eye contact, Rosalie made a show of uncrossing and re-crossing her legs in her wonderfully, absurdly short skirt.

Connor's jaw dropped, and the fabric of his pants visibly shifted. Lauren looked from the growth in his lap up to his eyes; her face registering shock. When she followed his gaze and saw Rosalie, that shock turned to outrage.

Lauren grabbed her satchel from underneath her seat and stood to leave. She glared again at Connor, but he was still enthralled in Rosalie's eyes.

"Those two and half minutes of my life were not worth _this_!" She hissed at him under her breath, and then snapped around quickly to face the door.

"Two and a half minutes?" Rosalie's voice was just as alluring as before, but now it held a mocking edge. "How…disappointing."

The flames in her eyes went out and she made a show of looking away from Connor and back to me. She flashed me a brilliant smile, draped her hand on my shoulder, and threw one last fleeting glance back to Connor and Lauren. She did not normally behave this way around humans; but her little play act had cheered her, so I did not complain.

Lauren had not gotten two feet from her desk before Carlisle appeared in the doorframe. She stopped so abruptly that her satchel traveled on without her, slamming into Eric Yorkie's desk, and knocking his magazine on the floor. I read the title as it slid by my feet: something about Dungeons and Dragons. What a loser. He sheepishly crouched in front of Rose to retrieve it from its resting place, only inches away from her high-heeled foot. She faked a stretch and straightened her leg in the air only inches away from Eric's left cheek. He stood up and shook his head quickly, then made to turn back to his seat.

"Eric?" Rosalie purred. He whipped around to face her; obviously startled that she knew his name. I was a little surprised at that myself. "I find the mind flayers to be particularly _alluring_ myself." She gestured fluidly to the magazine in his hand. I looked more carefully at the title now. _Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual (An Illustrated Compendium of Monsters: Aerial Servant to Zombie._) I could not imagine Rosalie knowing anything at all about this particular book, but whatever she said to Eric apparently struck a chord.

"M-me, too." He said lamely.

She flashed him one more smile before nodding her head in obvious dismissal.

"Mind Flayers?" I questioned.

"Believe me, Em. You really don't want to know."

"But how did _you_ know? I thought I knew about all of your fetishes, or is this new?"

"Ha, ha." Sarcasm dripped from her voice. "He kept staring at them in his book during that awful video, and his heart would spasm every time he did. I'm quite certain they are his _favorite_."

Of course Rosalie wouldn't have watched that stupid movie. She had obviously tried very hard to avoid the baby imagery if she had resorted to observing the humans.

"Nasty." I cringed. So I'm _not_ going to have to dress up like a _Mind Flayer _tonight then?" I was mocking her, as only I was allowed to do.

She fixed me with the same look she had given to Connor earlier: pure passion and desire flaring in her golden eyes. I admit, I responded in exactly the same way he had. I always had trouble controlling myself around Rose.

Her perfect eyes left mine, and focused obviously on my lap. A wickedly seductive smile played on her lips and she deliberately returned her eyes to my face.

"No, you won't." She answered my earlier question. "Actually, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't believe you will be doing _anything_ tonight. Not with me, at least. I really _do_ need to install the turbo with the intercooler on the M3."

I groaned. She was pure evil, and I loved her all the more because of it.

"If that's really what you want." I was playing along, but I had no intention of spending the evening alone. The M3 would _not_ be the only thing to be worked on tonight. I have the same effect on Rosalie that she has on me. She cannot resist me either.

All of this had transpired in the few moments it took Eric Yorkie to cover his enlarged crotch with that lurid book, and walk forcefully out of the gym door, pushing past Carlisle without a second look. I felt a momentary stab of pity for the Mind Flayers, whatever they were, for what they were probably about to endure at Eric's hand.

Eric was the only one oblivious to Carlisle's arrival. An impromptu chorus of gasps sounded in the gym as the female population caught sight of him. I smiled and gave Rose a playful wink, glad again that I possessed neither Edward's nor Jasper's powers. It was awkward enough imagining the thoughts these little girls were having about my father figure without having to actually hear or feel them.

Carlisle favored Mrs. Cope—who was rushing over to him—with a warm smile. He was just as alien as the rest of us, but somehow the humans always felt more at ease around Carlisle. I had often wondered if the fact that he had never actually killed a human caused him to "vibe" differently to people than we did, or if it was just the kindness in his eyes. Either way, he could put people at ease almost as easily as Jasper.

He allowed Mrs. Cope to usher him over to the mock stage to stand beside Coach Clapp, who had returned to the microphone.

"Dr. Cullen has taken time out of his very busy schedule to come and speak to you today. I expect that you will extend him the same courtesy that you do me. Please be quiet now, and listen."

No one paid any attention to half of what Coach Clapp ever said, but they would be hanging on Carlisle's every word. Even Lauren Mallory, mad and scared as she was, was returning to her seat now. She did not want to miss her chance to gawk at the good Doctor.

"Good afternoon." Carlisle's voice echoed thru the cheap audio system, making him sound as if he were underwater. "I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I assume many of you are already acquainted with my children."

He smiled at us then: Rose and me in the front, and then Alice, Jasper, Edward, and even Bella. He felt guilty about being here, I was sure. That was fine by me; I was still upset that he had not warned us. I made a mental note to ask Edward later what in Hell Carlisle was thinking. Of all the doctors in the dratted town, why did they ask him? Maybe coach Clapp liked Carlisle as much as his wife liked Rosalie.

"Coach Clapp has asked me here today to talk to you about various forms of birth control. I am sure that you are bright enough to understand the school's sense of timing in this matter. Big events such as the upcoming Prom often lead to intimate acts. I want to caution you, however, not to do anything that you do not wish to do simply because your date spent money on you and bought you flowers. A gentleman should expect nothing."

The group hung on Carlisle's every word, but I found my mind drifting. After all, Rosalie and I could teach a graduate level course on sexuality, we had tried just about everything there is to try. And birth-control wasn't an issue we had to consider. I thought, instead, about what was planned for tomorrow.

Edward was forcing us all to go to the dance because he was taking Bella. None of us really minded, although Rose pretended to, of course. It was an excuse for her to show off, and an excuse for me to _watch_ her show off. Alice was ecstatic at the thought of playing a round of "Beautify Bella." A happy Alice meant a happy Jasper, so I supposed it was a win-win situation for us all. Bella probably wouldn't be too happy, though. She was not in on our little scheme, and Edward had forbidden mentioning it in front of her. I wondered if Carlisle's speech had tipped her off. I heard them whispering softly in the back of the room. Bella was chastising Edward for making fun of Mike, oblivious to the talk of formals. I supposed Prom was still a go.

When I turned my attention back to Carlisle he had moved on to discussing the negative aspects of birth control pills.

"They are very effective at preventing pregnancy, but they offer no line of defense against sexually transmitted diseases. Most of these diseases are treatable, but not curable. You will carry most of them for the rest of your life, another reason that it is a good idea to abstain until marriage."

I nudged Rosalie playfully with my elbow.

"I've married you enough times to get lucky after prom, right?"

We were going to the Prom tomorrow night and --gentleman or not--I was expecting a little something afterward. From the flurry of booming hearts in the gym, I assumed that several of the boys had similar expectations. Mike Newton's heart began to drum the _William Tell Overture_. Jessica Stanley, his girlfriend, smiled over at him, as if she was anticipating some action as well. I wondered if she would fare better than the banana had.


	3. Doctor Carlisle Condom

_A/N: Tragically, I still do not own Twilight, New Moon, or any of these fantastic characters. Stephenie Meyer still owns them, and is still hiding them from me. cries_

_Another ocean of thanks goes out to ECABS and UnicornGoddess95 for their fantastic beta reading, and for brainstorming ideas with me at all hours of the night! This chapter would have been completely impossible without several 2AM "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF…"chat sessions. Thanks again girls! _

_Finally to everyone who has read and reviewed this story: Thank you! I'm a bit overwhelmed that it seems to be so popular, as I was mostly doing it for my own personal enjoyment! Keep those reviews coming, and I will keep adding chapters as long as there is an interest! And for those who keep asking, be patient! Edwards POV is coming, but as it promises to be the funniest, I am saving it for last! _

Catastrophe for Carlisle

_"Are they very upset?" _I formed the words only in my mind. I did not need to give them voice for him to hear me.

Across the gym I saw Edward, my first and favorite son, tilt his head sideways and shrug lightly. It was a non-answer; one that I took as a yes. Edward was only being tactful. He shrugged again, hearing these last thoughts, and not denying them.

Apparently, neither Edward nor Alice had warned Emmett and Rosalie about my obligation here today. It was my day off. I _should_ be at home with Esme, relishing time alone with the most beautiful creature God has ever made. I _wanted_ to be home with Esme, but I had not been given much of a choice.

Coach Clapp called me early in the morning. The obstetrician he was expecting would be delivering a baby instead of a speech. If I did not come and give the lecture, Coach Clapp was going to resort to calling in a midwife. I decided on the spot that it would be better for me to dispense medical knowledge and birth control options than to have a midwife romanticizing the natural glory of childbirth. Rosalie would not have taken it well.

I had only been speaking for a few minutes when Coach Clapp signaled to me and pointed first at his watch and then to his stomach.

"But allow us to continue this conversation after lunch." Chairs screeched across the wooden floor as several of the students rose quickly to their feet.

"Wait!" Coach Clapp yelled over the noise. "On your way out you will notice post-it notes and pens. Please take them with you to lunch and write down any questions that you are too embarrassed to ask aloud. When we return to the gym there will be a box for you to put them in by the door. Don't put your name on the paper if you wish to remain anonymous."

_Fabulous_. I was going to have to answer specific questions. I had planned to stick to a relatively safe script. This could be trouble. Rosalie looked up at me with a smug expression, which I assumed meant she was planning some sort of prank. Emmett's goofy smile confirmed my suspicion. _Just Great_.

Most of the humans were vacating the gym swiftly, but my family members and Bella made no move to leave. I hoped to avoid a confrontation. Edward gave me an assuring smile and nodded his head. Bella looked over at him, exasperated. I knew firsthand how irritating Edwards's silent communications with others could be. His talent was a blessing and curse for us all.

Slowly Edward helped Bella to her feet—or more appropriately, her foot—and all but carried her to the front of the gym. Alice and Jasper followed silently after them.

"Aren't you going to congratulate Emmett?" A haughty smirk formed on Edward's lips.

"Okay." I sighed. "I'll bite. What am I congratulating him for?"

They all laughed and Bella's face blushed crimson.

"For defeating Mike Newton and winning _that_." Edward gestured to a wheelbarrow in the corner of the room. It was filled with condoms.

"I get to keep those?" Emmett was giddy. "Are you sure? Clapp didn't say that!"

Edward pointed to his forehead. "Maybe not where _you_ could hear. But yes, they are the spoils of your victory."

"Awesome!" Emmett beamed.

"Yes. Well, excuse us, but I need to get Bella to the cafeteria."

"I'm not hungry." Bella was lying. Her growling stomach betrayed her.

Edward looked from Bella to Jasper and smiled. "Yes you are, Bella. Everyone in this room was starving thanks to Jasper. I doubt the cafeteria has enough food on hand to satisfy the lot of them."

"No." She looked down at her cast. "I don't want to go to the cafeteria. Everyone will already be in there."

I did not understand Edward's comment about Jasper making everyone hungry, but I did understand what Bella meant. For someone of Bella's natural grace, it would be like making an on stage debut when you were likely to fall off of said stage.

"Then at least allow me to get you something to eat and bring it back here." Edward would not be deterred, and Bella knew it.

"Fine." She allowed him to help her into a seat on the front row beside Emmett and watched as he headed out the door.

"Wait, Edward!" Alice called after him. "Bella won't find that funny."

Edward didn't slow or even acknowledge that Alice had spoken.

Bella rolled her eyes. "What wouldn't I find funny?"

"He was going to bring you a banana." They all laughed then, even Rosalie.

"Does anyone care to tell me what is so humorous?" I questioned.

Alice wove me a tale of epic proportions. I heard of Edward nearly killing Mike Newton, and then of Mike, Emmett, and the bananas. I heard far more than I wished about a child named Eric and a _Dungeons and Dragons Compendium_. I remembered him leaving the gym when I first walked in. He had not returned before lunch, and now I hoped that he would not return at all. She finished with a tale of Rosalie seducing the dragon boy one monster at a time, and torturing a couple that thought they were pregnant.

"It sounds like you've had an interesting day." I addressed them all.

"The day is only beginning to get interesting for you." Edward breezed back into the gym with a tray of food--but no banana--for Bella. "I heard their thoughts in there. They are coming up with some _unusual_ questions for you, daring each other and betting to see who can come up with the most scandalous topic."

_"Fabulous." _I sighed. "How do I get roped into these things?"

"You know what…" Rosalie's voice was mocking. "I think I just might have a few questions for the good Doctor, myself." She was out of her chair and standing beside the "questions" box in the blink of a human eye.

"He won't answer that!" Alice and Edward chimed in unison.

"Great. The omniscient duo strikes again." Annoyance played in Rosalie's eyes. "Couldn't the two of you chill with that, if only for a moment? It is _really_ irritating."

"Not as irritating as having to listen to your thoughts." Edward shot back.

Everyone but Rosalie laughed, but the mirth was cut short when the gym door flung open, and a pale boy with greasy hair stumbled in. I recognized him as Eric Yorkie, and cringed at the thought of where he had just been.

"Oh. Sorry. Just putting this in the box." He pulled a little yellow post it note out of a page in his _Monster Compendium_ and dropped it into the cardboard box, then turned and stalked off in the direction of the cafeteria.

Edward was visibly shaking with laughter.

"What?" Bella asked, eyes wide.

"Well, I suppose you win after all, Rosalie. Eric just submitted the very question you were planning to originally, and since it's from a student, Carlisle will _have_ to answer it."

"I've got another question, anyway." She scribbled something onto a post it note and dropped it into the box. Emmett wrapped one arm around her waist, writing a note of his own with his free hand, and then adding it to hers.

Emmett turned to Edward. "So what did you hear in the lunchroom, anyway?"

The right side of Edward's mouth turned up into a grin. "Well, at least two of the girls are asking Carlisle to Prom. One is asking how old he was when he lost his virginity, another is asking how often he and Esme 'do the deed,' and several more are asking him to 'play doctor' with them."

Bella giggled and inhaled sharply, choking on the bite of pizza in her mouth.

In a flash, Edward had her in a standing position, and I moved behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. The bit of pizza dislodged from her throat and landed with a thud on the gym floor.

"Ew." Rosalie mumbled.

"Sorry." Bella's face was red again. "Idiot." She chided herself.

"Hey, Edward. Why didn't _you_ perform the _Hind Lick_ maneuver on her yourself?" Emmett quipped.

Edward growled. "Very amusing, Emmett."

"Please stop." Alice laughed. "I would rather not 'see' any 'Hind Licking' thank you very much."

No one else had a chance to join in the laughter. The student body, led by Eric Yorkie, was stampeding back into the gym. It was an ocean of little yellow post it notes. I resigned myself to what was certain to be one of the longest hours of my undead life.

Alice and Jasper headed back to their seats in the rear of the gym, but Edward swiftly discarded Bella's tray and sat down next to her in the front row. I supposed she would make less of a spectacle of herself by sitting still, even if she was much more visible now than in the previous seating arrangement.

The teenagers wore expressions that varied from nervousness to excitement to anticipation. A pretty blonde looked like she might be sick soon, and I wondered if she was the girl who was expecting to be expecting.

When everyone was seated, Coach Clapp brought the cardboard box up and set it next to the microphone.

"If you want to go ahead and start with the questions, then you can cover anything that doesn't get asked at the end."

"That sounds fine." I replied, although it most certainly did _not_ sound fine. I felt a wave of calm spread through the room, and my eyes searched out Jasper. He was smiling innocently at me. The story about the games he had played with his abilities earlier was still fresh in my mind. I hoped he was not planning an encore.

I reached my hand into the box, pulled out one of the dratted yellow pages, and read it silently.

_My girl thinks she's pregnant, but we used a condom every time. They'd been in my closet for a few years though. They don't, like, expire, do they? _

"Our first question is about the durability of condoms over time, as to whether or not they have an expiration date."

I immediately sensed the change in heartbeat and breathing patterns that gave away the identity of the boy who wrote this particular question. He was sitting next to the pretty blonde I had noticed earlier. I could tell by _her_ heartbeat and breathing patterns that she was _not_ pregnant. Even at the earliest stages, an implanted embryo changes the rhythms of a woman's body perceptively. Well, perceptively for one such as myself.

I explained briefly about expiration dates and about the adverse effects of extreme heat or cold on the latex. I could tell my statement worried the boy, but that was good. They obviously were not ready to become parents, so scaring them a little couldn't hurt.

I did not answer the next question that I pulled from the box.

_How big are most men compared to a banana? Because Emmett Cullen's banana was HUGE. I'm sure that was the biggest banana I have ever seen. _

It was written in Emmett's loopy scrawl. Hearing my thoughts, Edward shook with glee. He reached his fist across Bella's body to smack it against Emmett's.

"Nice." He whispered.

Emmett nodded his head and grinned.

I reached my hand back into the pit of vipers, and pulled out another question. This one was only slightly less absurd than Emmett's joke, but it was for real.

_Will stroking my dragon really make me go blind, or is that just what my Gran wants me to think? _

_"It's a good thing you don't need to breathe."_ I sent the thought to Edward. He was almost beside himself with laughter.

With the irritation hidden from my voice, I answered the question.

"No. There are no adverse effects. Those are simply myths propagated by earlier generations to promote the ideal of purity in that era." I missed that era right about now. In my day and time, no self-respecting young man would have posed a question about 'stroking his dragon.' I did not want to continue, but my duty as a Doctor outweighed my desire to keep silent.

"In fact, it is a much safer alternative to sexual relations with a partner in a non-committed relationship. You need not worry about disease or pregnancy when you are acting alone." Dear God. Had I just said that?

Edward was not laughing alone now. All present members of my family were in near hysterics, and Bella had buried her face in her hands.

I was shocked beyond belief when Eric Yorkie stood from his seat, grabbed his _Monster Compendium_, and headed for the bathroom _again_. I guessed this was a celebration that his eyesight wouldn't be suffering after all. What was _wrong_ with this kid?

A disgusted look crossed Edward's face as he watched Eric leave and I was glad I could not hear what was going through that bizarre mind.

_"At least he has a sex life, even if it is solitary." _I thought for Edward's sake. He glared at me in response.

Edward had been right. The next question I pulled from the box was indeed one about my own sexual habits with my wife. I did not read it aloud, but announced that I would not be answering any questions of a personal nature. There were only a few queries in the box that were _not_ about me. Over the next few minutes I covered a slew of topics dealing with the technical loss of virginity, the proper time of day to take a birth control pill, and heaven help me, how to measure yourself to know the appropriate condom size required. Overall, the burning fires of being changed into a vampire were less torturous than the afternoon had been. But it was finally coming to an end.

Coach Clapp walked up beside me and leaned into the microphone.

"Everyone, please show your appreciation to Doctor Carlisle Condom for taking the time out of his busy schedule to come and speak with us today."

The room fell silent. The humans were making no noise at all, staring blankly at Coach Clapp, who apparently had not realized his slip of the tongue.

_Fabulous_. I thought again. My family was going to call me Dr. Carlisle Condom for the next hundred years.

Finally, a few students started laughing. A blonde boy sitting behind Bella said "Yes. Thanks a lot Doctor Condom."

Emmett and Edward both turned around to glare at him, but Rosalie attacked first.

"Don't mind Mike. He's clearly suffering from banana envy."


	4. Sex Ed'ward

_A/N: The characters and settings still belong to the absurdly talented Stephenie Meyer. I, however, take full responsibility for the corruption of poor Eric Yorkie._

_Heaps of thanks go out to my Beta readers: ECABS, UnicornGoddess95, and LindaRoo (who agreed not only to beta for me, but to let me beta for her…SCORE!) for their insight and encouragement with this chapter, which was particularly difficult for me to write. Another special thank you goes to our dear friend Wendi, another member of our little "Skype Gang." Wendi is made of awesome, and we are ALL in her debt! _

_Without further ado,…I present you Edward's POV. And rest assured, there will be at least one more chapter after this one! The fun isn't over just yet!_

_Sex Ed_ward

Only one other day of my public education had been as vile as this one—only Bella's very first day here in Forks had brought me more misery. Try as I may, I could not get the rambling voices in my mind to lull to the droning monotony of white noise. Though I was used to the girls in my freakishly dull school lusting after my brothers and me, and had long ago learned to tune them out effectively, their thoughts about Carlisle could not be silenced. They took disturbing to a vivid new level. He was—in their minds—an adult, which heightened the allure, and they pictured doing things to him that were illegal in most states. They liked older men, that much was clear. I wondered how abruptly their fantasies would dissolve if they realized he was old enough to be Coach Clapp's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.Sure, vintage was in, but that was pushing it.

Carlisle—or Doctor Carlisle Condom, as we would forever more call him—attempted and failed to escape the gym. Mrs. Cope chased after him and started a conversation about, of all things, the weather. Most weather discussions in Forks consisted only of:

"_Gee. It sure is rainy,"_ followed by,

"_Yeah, it sure is."_ There was rarely anything else to say on the topic, but Mrs. Cope seemed intent on prolonging their tête-à-tête for as long as possible. Her words were commonplace and proper, but her thoughts were wild enough to rival the most hedonistic of the hormonal adolescents. I felt mildly embarrassed for Carlisle at the direction the girls' (and Mrs. Cope's)thoughts had taken, but was grateful that he, at least, could not hear them.

I glanced over at Bella and smiled ruefully in an attempt to distract my mind from the bombardment of images and ideas that plagued the airways. Her mind was both the only one in the room closed to me and the only one I truly wished to hear. At least _she_ wasn't fantasizing about undressing Carlisle.

My own thoughts caught me off guard...she _wasn't_ doing that...was she? No. Of course not...that was ridiculous...wasn't it? She smiled back at me, and I discerned that her chocolate eyes were drinking only _me_ in. I felt foolish, but relieved. I knew that she loved me, but I was still reassured to find her gaze upon me, and not my father figure. Only Bella could make me feel so insecure.

_Oh, crap! Did I just call him Doctor Carlisle Condom? _Coach Clapp thought. _What is wrong with me today?_ The kooky instructor was still posed in front of the microphone, a look of shock evident on his weary and worn face.

"Since there are only twenty minutes until school is dismissed for the day, it would be pointless to send you all back to your regular classes. You can talk, work on homework, read a book—whatever you want—as long as you stay seated until the final bell rings."

I watched as Eric Yorkie peeled his Monster Compendium from the underside of his desk. His thoughts were on a grotesque tentacled beast found within its pages. I knew what he was planning, and I did not think it was what Coach Clapp had meant by "read a book." His thoughts put the girls, who were rabidly undressing Carlisle in their minds, to shame. I shuddered and turned away as he stood up and headed out of the gym, again, without asking permission.

Carlisle finally managed to evade Mrs. Cope, and disappeared out the door with relief prominent in his thoughts. With his presence gone, the disturbing fantasies in the room began to quell, and the few thoughts _not_ centered around my family caught my attention.

_Maybe Connor will drive me to Port Angeles to buy a test tonight. I don't want Miss Kelly at the pharmacy to recognize me and tell my parents. _Lauren Mallory was still wallowing in her unfounded fears of the scandal that would follow if that test was positive.

Connor's thoughts were even shallower than Lauren's_. All that money I shelled out on Prom is wasted. I'm not gonna get anything from Lauren now. If she is pregnant she'll be too upset, and if she isn't she will be too careful._ I sniffed. He was only considering the implications to a possible pregnancy in terms of how it would affect his sex life in the upcoming days, and she was only considering how it would affect her reputation. They truly deserved one another. At least Bella would never be tormented by a situation such as that. No, she only had to worry about rogue rabid vampires and a boyfriend that could kill her by mistake in a moment of passion.

Without warning, the lusty thoughts had a violent resurgence in the gym. I looked around for the instigator of this new wave, and found Alice and Jasper in the back of the room staring intently into each other's eyes. I heard enough of Jasper's thoughts to know that he was focused solely on Alice and was unaware of the effect he was having on everyone present. I turned back to my sweet innocent Bella. She was staring at me again; a wildness swam in the depths of her eyes that I recognized as the same fire that always played in her eyes after I kissed her, and she lost control. She was feeling lusty too, then. I wished for the millionth time that I _could_ read her thoughts. I had to get Jasper out of here, and quickly. Even my practiced restraint could not hold for long when Bella was looking at me that way. Suppressing the reactions her blood and body caused within me when they felt like a united front was becoming agonizingly impossible.

"Alice," I hissed under my breath. Even from the very back of the gym she would hear, but she ignored me and continued to stare transfixed into Jasper's eyes, a small sultry smile appearing on her lips. "_Alice_!" My voice was sharper this time, and her head whipped around quickly, her eyes apologetic.

She pulled Jasper's arm and he stood, towering over her. Without a word, they exited the gym just as Eric Yorkie had—without bothering to ask Coach Clapp's permission and with the same general intention—except that theirs would be a party of two.

Even with Jasper gone, I still wanted Bella more than I should have, but I couldn't have her in that way...not ever. No matter what she or Alice said, I would never steal Bella's soul...would I? I blinked my eyes and tried to clear my thoughts. Now was not the time for this internal debate, there was plenty of time for that while I watched Bella sleep…

"Are we still having dinner with Charlie tonight?" I fought to make my voice sound natural. I already knew the answer to this question, of course. Charlie and I had shared many private conversations during the past few weeks. He was a co-conspirator in my secret plan to take Bella to the Prom. He found it amusing, though he warned me that she probably would not be as amused. His warnings did not overly concern me. After all, I had inside information that Charlie lacked; Alice's visions assured me that, in the end, Bella would be glad to have attended this particular occasion with me. That was all I needed to hear.

Bella laughed. "Technically, _I_ will be having dinner with Charlie tonight. You will be sitting at the table pretending to love my spaghetti. Unless you _wan_t to eat with us. I wasn't planning to serve live mountain lion, but there's still time for me to alter the menu." She chanced a playful glance at me.

Her nonchalant teasing startled me, as it always did. "No, thank you. How could I resist the legendary Swan culinary skills? Pretending to eat spaghetti sounds just fine."

"Suit yourself."

My mind suddenly tuned into the thoughts of a particular human that I had been desperately trying to block all day.

_Holy Gandalf! _Eric Yorkie thought "Occupied!" He shouted at Alice and Jasper, who had just walked in on him and his beloved compendium in the boys' bathroom. I grimaced involuntarily at the image.

"Sorry," Alice said breezily, before shutting the door. _That boy is going to be sore tomorrow. But the equipment closet should be empty…_ I forcefully tuned her out as quickly as possible. I knew all too well what was coming next, and I did not have my stereo system handy to drown them out.

"Score!" Emmett called to me.

Bella looked at him questioningly, confusion played in the crease of her beautiful brow. Observant though she was, she did not have the advanced hearing that my family possessed, and so she could not have heard Jasper and Alice break the lock on the equipment closet as Emmett and I had. Her thoughts apparently lingered on our dinner with Charlie.

"You like spaghetti?" She asked Emmett, obviously sure that she was missing some joke, which, of course, she was.

"Spaghetti?" Emmett asked, just as confused as Bella. "They're using spaghetti? That's new... and a little gross. A lot gross, actually, especially if it's from this cafeteria."

I rolled my eyes and gave Emmett an exasperated look. "Let's discuss something else, please." On my list of the things that I did not wish to discuss with Bella, the Olympic event occurring in the equipment closet right now ranked in the top five.

"Oh. Don't be such a prude, _Sex Edward,_" Emmett cackled.

Great. So it was this again. Every so often, my brothers took to calling me either "Sex Ed" or "Special Ed" depending on their moods. One would think that two vampires of their combined age and experience could conjure a more original nickname, but they clung stubbornly to these two for decades, proving that even centenarians could be juveniles at heart.

"Sex Edward?" Bella's smile stretched across her perfect face. She was struggling not to laugh openly, but she was quickly losing the battle.

"Or Just Sex Ed." Emmett donned a serious expression and nodded animatedly.

Bella's perfect laugh filled the air around me. Even though I hated the childish nickname, there was no more beautiful sound in the world than the buoyant ring of her laughter. I smiled in spite of myself.

_Ouch. _Alice's thoughts intruded on my daze"Jasper, watch that tennis racket. It doesn't go there**!"** She said, loud enough only for those with super-human hearing to detect.

"Oh, Alice." Emmett shook his head and chuckled.

"Alice?" Bella turned to peer at the back row of the gym. When she saw that Alice and Jasper were no longer in their seats, she turned back to me. "Where did they go?"

Emmett answered before I could. "They're _playing_ tennis."

Bella stared out the window that overlooked the schools dilapidated set of tennis courts. She squinted her eyes before turning back to Emmett. "I don't see them?"

"Nor do you wish to." I said abruptly, determined to cut Emmett's explanation off. I knew what he was planning to say, and I would rather Bella not hear it.

"But…"

"It's a private match." That was all the explanation I would willingly give.

Comprehension dawned on Bella's face. "Oh."

"And the tennis racket is winning at the moment," Emmett added. "But I think Alice is going to win in the end, as long as Jasper keeps hitting his balls into the net."

Bella's body reacted to her embarrassment the same way it always did. Her aromatic blood rushed into her cheeks and she swiftly lowered her eyes to the flaking surface of her desk. I was even more aware of her in these instances than usual, aware of all of my desires. The fire in my throat battled with the fire in my body, dual lusts, threatening to drown me.

"That's enough, Emmett," I growled.

"Cullen!" Coach Clapp shouted. Emmett and I both turned to stare at him. "Could you please come up here for a minute?"

"Me or you?" Emmett asked me.

"You." I grimaced and gestured for him to go. I was glad for the temporary diversion, but I anticipated this would only worsen the situation. "It is time to claim the spoils of your victory."

"Sweet." Emmett took off to meet Coach Clapp at the makeshift podium. I turned my attention back to Bella and drew her fragile hand into my own. Her pulse reverberated through my body like a bass drum, reigniting the flames in my throat.

"I'm truly sorry about that," I apologized, and used my free hand to trace the perfect contour of her jaw. The bass drum played faster. "So, if you're making spaghetti tonight, do we need to make a trip to the grocery store?"

"I already did. I have to do _something_ when you leave me to go hunt." She pursed her lips. "On second thought, maybe the grocery store isn't a bad idea. We may need a new dessert. I was planning to make banana pudding, but…" We both shifted our eyes over to Mike Newton, who was listening to Jessica Stanley chattering away with a bored expression on his face.

"Right," I agreed. "No bananas."

We both looked up as Emmett sauntered back over to us and reclaimed his seat. He nudged Rosalie, who had been completely silent thus far, absorbed in thoughts about how stunning she would be in the dress she had selected for tomorrow night, and how plain everyone would appear in comparison. "Your champion has returned, my fair lady."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and retreated back into thoughts of her own glowing perfection.

Emmett's thoughts were a different matter.

"Not a chance," I warned him.

"Aw! Come on, there isn't room in Rose's car."

"Room for what?" Bella asked, frustrated, as she always was when I answered people's thoughts.

"For my trophies," Emmett answered proudly and pointed at his condoms, like a little kid talking about his precious pet puppy. "There are four of us in Rose's car, and only the two of you in the Volvo. I can just dump them in the back seat. You won't even notice them, I promise. I'll empty them out as soon as you get to the house

"Not a chance," I repeated sternly. The final bell tolled over my words, and the occupants of the gym rose in unison. Emmett gave Bella a wink, and walked over to the wheelbarrow filled with condoms.

I helped Bella to her feet swiftly—perhaps too swiftly— and all but carried her out of the gym. I was in a hurry to beat Emmett to the Volvo, and it would not be an easy task with Bella in tow. I had to be careful not to move so quickly and attract more attention from the humans. Fortuitously, their thoughts were still preoccupied with the comedy and embarrassment they had witnessed today, and they were paying little attention to me and my reluctant cargo. Or, at least they _had_ been paying us little attention.

"No! No! No!" I yelled at Emmett. I tried to reposition Bella on my other side gently, but I was too late. Emmett pushed the wheelbarrow past me at a blinding speed, and grabbed Bella by the waist. He plopped her down softly inside of it, right smack on top of the condom collection. I groaned.

"A chariot ride?" Emmett emulated Carlisle's flowing British accent, and took off across the parking lot heading directly toward my car.

Bella's face flushed a shocking crimson and her hands turned white from gripping the sides of the wheelbarrow so tightly. Onlookers in the parking lot were just as taken aback by Emmett's impromptu chauffeur service as Bella was.

_Disgusting. Do all of the Cullen's have to baby her now? _Jessica Stanley thought, seething with jealousy.

_What is Cullen doing with that wheelbarrow? He better not let Bella fall out. Wait…is that the__Wheelbarrow….oh crap!_Mike's overprotective thoughts turned to embarrassment as he realized that Bella's chariot was a prop from the day's display of his own inadequacies.

I was pointlessly chasing after them; pointlessly because I did not intend to overtake the wheelbarrow. Emmett was already too far ahead of me. I could have easily caught him, of course, but not without setting a new world record in the 50-yard dash in the process, and we had already called enough attention to the Cullen clan for one day. He would get his comeuppance for this later, though, that was certain. One perk of immortality was that it offered infinite time for me to exact revenge.

I arrived at the Volvo only seconds behind my brother and my love. I swept her out of the ridiculous wheelbarrow and into my arms. Some of the condom wrappers clung to Bella's jeans and shirt. I frantically dusted them off of her and allowed them to fall to the cracking asphalt beneath my feet. _Let Emmett pick them up,_ I thought sourly.

_I'll just dump these in the back. _Emmett's thoughts rang in my mind. "I'll just dump these in the back." His voice boomed out a half second behind his words. Even when I was angry with Emmett, as I was now, his thoughts were always refreshing to me. It was so rare for anyone to actually say the exact things that they thought. Emmett censored less than anyone else I've ever met.

He opened the passenger seat and tipped the contents of the now infamous wheelbarrow onto the rear floorboards. I could have stopped him, but not without letting go of Bella. Her flight in the wheelbarrow had her heart pounding her sweet blood in rapid circles and her breath coming in short gasps. She smelled even more potent in this state. It was my masochistic nature coming to the forefront that kept me from putting her down, now. Her smell--so wonderful, and so terrible--was more important at the moment than the condom stowaways that would now be accompanying us on our ride home.

_Tell Emmett he has 30 seconds before I make him run home._

Rosalie's thoughts interrupted my self-deprecation. I turned around, surprised to see that Jasper and Alice had already climbed into the backseat of the M3. Their thoughts were brimming with satisfaction from their extracurricular activities and their plan for a rematch when they got home. Emmett had been right, with Jasper's ability so far out of hand today, Alice _had_ won. Twice.

"Rosalie is about to leave you in the parking lot, Emmett. And I feel compelled to inform you that I will not be giving you a ride if she does."

"Spoilsport," he mumbled. "Bye, Bella." He gave her a warm smile. "Later, Sex Ed!"

I sighed. Bella's petite body shook with silent laughter at Emmett's departure as she allowed me to help her into the front seat.

I slid smoothly behind the wheel and brought the Volvo's engine silently to life. Bella's pulse was slowing now, but in the enclosed cocoon of the vehicle, the potent fragrance of her blood was intoxicating me, suffocating all of my senses. The venom was flowing and the fire in my throat intensified. I decided it would be prudent to stop breathing.

"So, today was…different," Bella teased me. "I've never seen your family so on display."

"I thought we were _always_ on display," I teased back, still not chancing a breath.

"Well, yes. But not so openly, or so willingly."

I allowed myself a smirk. "We weren't the only ones on display. Mike Newton made quite a spectacle of himself, as well." I had not choice but to breathe now, or remain silent. Her scent was both perfume and poison.

"Yes, but that was Jasper's doing, so it doesn't count. And what was going on with Eric? I've never seen him behave that way, it was…well, creepy."

"You noticed that, did you? It was disgusting, but I have to admit that it wasn't entirely his fault."

"Jasper?" Bella asked amused.

"Jasper was part of it, but he affected _everyone_ that way today, and Eric alone was circling the revolving door of the bathroom. He kept thinking about the new allergy medication he had taken this morning, and how odd it had made him feel. He was still suffering from allergy symptoms, too, so I suspect that he accidentally took the wrong medication."

Bella stared at me blankly. "Allergy medicine?"

"I think, perhaps, that he accidentally took his father's male enhancement drug," I said cautiously.

"Oh!" Bella gasped. "Well, that is a bit of a relief. At least he isn't just naturally that way! And what was that strange book that he carried around all afternoon?"

"Oh, Bella. You really don't want to know. There is nothing natural at all about that."

"So…" Bella hesitated, her brows knitted together in concentration. "What were _you_ thinking when Jasper was…um…affecting everyone?"

Had she really asked me that? "I was thinking about you, of course…and about Mike Newton."

"About Mike?" She looked dumbfounded.

"No, no! Not like that! I could hear what Mike was thinking, and it made it very difficult for me to restrain myself from leaping over the rows of desks separating us and…"

"Oh. I'm glad you didn't." Bella hesitated, about to say something else, but then she sighed again and looked away.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I hoped she wasn't angry over my murderous thoughts about Newton.

"I'm a little insulted, Edward. Here you are planning to injure poor Mike, and I'm sitting beside you imagining all of the wonderful things we could have enjoyed by now if you hadn't stopped my transformation in the ballet studio." She blushed scarlet, and the bass drum of her pulse was again drowning out all other sounds.

Without thinking, I sucked in a deep breath of oxygen that my lungs did not need, and the combination of Bella's surprising confession and the bouquet of her blood made me lose control of my senses for an instant. I slammed my foot on the brake of the Volvo, sending the car lurching, and the prophylactics in the back seat flying forward and scattering all over the car. I regained my composure quickly enough to throw my arm in front of Bella's chest, to keep her from flying, also.

I cautiously turned left into Bella's driveway, still not trusting myself to speak. Charlie's squad car was parked in its usual spot; he was home early. I heard his thoughts as he opened the front door and walked out to greet us.

_Driving like a maniac. Doesn't even care that I am an officer._

"Hello, Edward," he called to me. I returned his greeting and hurried over to the passenger side to help Bella out of the car. When I opened the door, two dozen condoms spilled from the cars interior to the ground at Charlie's feet.

The flush on Bella's beautiful face, already scarlet from her confession, deepened. Her breath was coming in gasps, and I worried that she might hyperventilate. I had stopped breathing again, trying to subdue the monster that was welling up inside of me. I knew we were in for a lecture from Charlie, and a very awkward dinner.

"It's not what it looks like, Dad," Bella choked.

Charlie said nothing, but bent over and picked up one of the condoms that had landed on his shoe.

_God, I hope not. _He thought. He flipped the condom around between his fingers and studied the shiny foil wrapper intently. He looked directly at me, eyes firm and concerned. His next thought caught me completely off guard…

_Banana flavored?_


	5. Charlie & the Contraceptives

_A/N: Here it is, the chapter of Cullenary that I started way back in April and put away to work on my own stories for awhile. I'm still getting so many emails and PMs (thank you for those, by the way!) about it, though, that I decided I might as well finish it off and post it. It is significantly shorter than the other chapters, and sadly lacks the presence of Eric Yorkie, and other running bits of hilarity that the Forks gym could provide. I hope this is a sufficient little encore to this series!_

_Once again, my silly little story would not have been possible without the help of ECABS who provided the sole Beta for this chapterette. And at 2 a.m. no less. Of all the things that Twilight has given me, your friendship is by far the most valuable. Thanks, doll! _

_Without further ado, here is Charlie's reaction to the events of the afternoon. I thank you again for all of the positive feedback and general goofiness that has ensued by comments made by my readers. You guys made this fun to do! 3 marcy_

Charlie and the Contraceptives

I stared open mouthed at the spectacle unfolding on my front lawn. My eyes flickered quickly between the shiny foil wrapper of the banana-flavored condom in my hand, to the scarlet red face of my daughter, over to the calm, slightly bemused expression of _that boy_. When my gaze landed on the mass of condoms that spilled from _his_ car onto _my_ driveway, it stayed there. I blinked rapidly, stupidly wishing that this would all go away.

_What was he doing to my little girl?_

Without meaning to—without even realizing that I was doing it—I had closed the distance between the boy_, Edward_, and myselfMy hand went up to—I honestly can't say what I was planning to do. Grab him? Hit him? In my rage I must have misjudged the distance between the two of us. He was suddenly three feet from where I could have sworn he had been standing just a second or two before. It was probably for the best. A Police Chief really shouldn't assault people; that's a good way to become the _ex_-Police Chief. My mind was spinning, and I could barely hear for the sound of blood pumping frantically in my ears. My temper was beating my rational thinking process to a pulp. But then again, I _was_ holding a banana-flavored condom and wading thru a pond of foil wrappers that had erupted from my daughter's boyfriend's car. Could I really be expected to think or act rationally?

I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself, and then I took another. It didn't help. I had thought I was starting to get the hang of this whole parenting thing, but apparently I had a ways yet to go. What would the books Renee sent after Bella's flight to Phoenix last spring advise me to do in a situation like this? I wasn't sure what they would suggest, but I knew what _I_ wanted to do. _I_ wanted to pull my pistol out of its holster and scare the hell out of that kid with it. A look of shock flitted across Edward's face and then disappeared so quickly I couldn't be sure if I had really seen it there at all. Immediately, I felt guilty for even thinking such a thing. Threatening a kid with my gun? He _was_ still a kid, after all. Thankfully, the scene had only played out in my thoughts, instead of on my front lawn. Unless he was a mind reader, Edward would never know how close he had come to being pistol-whipped. That was good, at least, but I still had no idea what I was supposed to do next.

"What are you…I mean…what is this…why are these…" I was bumbling. "Why?" I managed to choke out.

"I apologize, sir. This was my brother's idea of a joke." Edward's voice lilted in such a perfect cadence, he almost seemed to be singing the apology.

"Why?" I frowned. _Wasn't I clever today?_

"I couldn't tell you exactly. His sense of humor is very different from my own."

I tried to come up with a sarcastic remark, but could think of nothing witty—that was usually Bella's department—so I decided that continuing to glare at him would have to do.

Edward met my eyes, and then looked quickly away, off into the distance.

_Ha! The boy melts under pressure. What kind of man can't even look you in the eyes? A scared little boy, that's who!_

A smirk crept over Edward's lips then, and he whipped around to face me. His eyes locked with mine. There was nothing discernibly different in his demeanor. He was as formal and polite as ever—a behavior that constantly made me feel that he was mocking me somehow. My body reacted the same way it had on the few occasions I'd seen real danger on the force. My heart sped to a rhythm more appropriate for rock and roll music than for pumping blood, and my breaths became shallow and unsatisfying. I realized with a start that there was something menacing about my daughter's boyfriend. My body was screaming DANGER! –and not just the "hey, I might be planning to deflower your only daughter" sort of danger. It was ridiculous, but I stood there, frozen, locked in the gaze of the russet haired teen.

I can't say exactly how long we stood there, staring, before his laugh rang in the damp air and he began corralling the condoms that were spread over the driveway into a neat little pile.

"We have a witness coming." He said without looking back up at me.

I looked down the road, but could see no car approaching. I couldn't even hear the faint roar of an engine in the distance

_Hah! He was just making up an excuse to look away from me. Stupid of me to think the boy was dangerous. Clearly, I intimidate him. He had damn well better be scared. _

The stupid smirk returned to the boy's lips as he finished sweeping up the last of the condoms into his arms and turned back to meet my stare again.

"Would you mind if I disposed of these in your trashcan?"

I stood there stupidly for a moment, unsure—yet again—of what to say. On the one hand, yes, I really did want him to throw those _things_ away. On the other hand, well, I wasn't certain exactly what he and my daughter were up to. I knew what _I_ was up to at that age, and I was aware that kids nowadays were exposed to a heck of a lot more than I had been. I doubted anything I could say would have much bearing on what Bella chose to do. At least with _all_ of those condoms, she would be safe. Unless, oh heavens, he planned to use ALL of them…

_Or I could just shoot the boy. She would be completely safe, then._

"I assure you, Charlie, Bella and I have no need for these."

My daughter's face flushed crimson. "Can we not talk about this here, please?" She pleaded.

"Oh, we're going to discuss it." I said, trying to sound firm.

"Fine. Inside, at least?" Her voice was resigned.

"Fine."

I watched as Edward helped Bella out of the passenger seat of his Volvo. I knew the sight of dozens of condoms held up against his body with his right arm, and my daughter pressed close to his other side, would haunt me at night. I felt the sudden compulsion to slap the boy, but I settled for helping him get Bella inside. I stepped up behind my daughter and put my right arm around her waist, taking some of her weight. Her blush deepened as she turned first to Edward, and then to me.

"I'm perfectly capable of walking, you guys." She mumbled, obviously put out.

"That is debatable." Edward teased.

I felt my own face turn red in anger. I hated that Edward was so calm and collected. I wanted him to be flustered…he _should_ be flustered. But he was making jokes and being a stinking suave know it all. _Damn it_. I was her father, and an officer of the law! He shouldn't be able to be so nonchalant about just having spilled condoms all over my lawn. All over my feet.

We both fought to help Bella up the front porch step. I was making it harder by 'helping', but I was too stubborn to admit that I wasn't needed. I held on tightly to Bella and practically lifted her onto the main stage of the porch. Just as I was about to set her down as lightly as possible the blare of a car horn sounded behind me. I have a terrible startle reflex. I can admit that. I would have never made it as a policeman in a larger town where there was much action. Loud noises make me jump. When the horn assaulted me, I unintentionally let go of Bella, who began falling—for a fraction of a second—backwards, off the step.

Edward—damn him—did _not_ spaz out as I had, but smoothly slid his free arm under Bella's legs; cradling her like I had seen the cheerleaders on ESPN do. He and I turned simultaneously around to see the source of the near cataclysmic honk.

_Oh, crap. _"A witness is coming," Edward had said. He couldn't have known the irony of that statement, even if he had somehow heard the approaching car that I had missed. Miss Agnes Anderson—volunteer and author of the weekly column "Witness to the Lord"— had parked her new Lincoln on the grass of my front yard. Her car was new, but "Miss Agnes" was old, very old. Shoot, she had already _been_ old when I was a little boy, so now I suppose ancient was an adept description. Ancient and prudish. And as old prudes so often are, she was as fond of gossip as she was of her cats. I quickly surveyed my front yard, which was once again scattered with the condoms that Edward had dropped to catch Bella—who was still cradled in his arms. This was _definitely_ gossip.

I was really going to have to suck up to the old bat in hopes that Bella wouldn't be painted as a Scarlet Woman in the town talk tomorrow. So in my most friendly, inviting voice I said: "Miss Agnes, what a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?" But in my innermost thoughts, I screamed: _Go away, go away, go away!_

"Why Chief Swan, have you forgotten our date?" Her wrinkles grew more pronounced when she smiled.

I was stunned. "Date?" I tried to seem amiable.

"Addressing the brochures for the shelter fundraiser?" She smiled and hobbled in closer to me. "The rest of the gals should be here shortly. They're coming in Eula's Oldsmobile."

Edward and Bella seemed completely invisible to the aged woman, and not just in a 'see no evil speak no evil' kind of way. Hope abounded that maybe Agnes's sight was bad enough that she hadn't even noticed the scandal that had played out before her milky eyes. My daughter was again supporting her own weight. Edward had swept up the majority of the prophylactics—the ones that weren't on the ground where Miss Agnes and I were standing—into a pile beneath the giant ferns surrounding the porch.

"Oh, right. The brochures." _Crap_. I had totally forgotten when I told Edward and Bella we would have dinner together tonight. Oh, well. They would just have to help fold, address, and stamp the multitudes of flyers requesting donations to the local battered women and children shelter. At least it would give me a few hours to think and cool off before I had to give them the sex talk. Maybe by the time the committee of old women left, I would be cool enough that I wouldn't accidentally use my taser gun on Edward Cullen. Maybe.

"You kids mind helping us with some folding tonight?" I was sure the hard look in my eyes made it very clear to my daughter that it was not really a request.

"We would be happy to." Edward sang in that annoyingly lilting voice of his.

"We would." Bella nodded and smiled thinly. "But do you mind if we make a quick run to the grocery store? I want to pick up some chocolate pudding for desert."

"Oh. Alright then. But come straight back?" I gave them the same hard look again. Just to be sure they understood they were not weaseling out of this so easily.

"Of course." Bella let the boy help her across the driveway and back into the Volvo that had only moments before spewed contraceptives onto my grass. I wondered what other evils lurked behind that shiny paint job.

Before she shut her door, Bella called to the old woman, who still hadn't looked away from me. Her gaze was getting a little uncomfortable, to be quite honest. "How about it, Miss Agnes, would you and your friends care to stay for a spaghetti dinner?"

Agnes stepped closer to me, but her eyes were fixed on something at her feet.

"That sounds lovely dear."

Bella smiled. "I'll pick up extra chocolate pudding." She shut her door, and they drove off. I watched them until the silver Volvo turned into trees thick enough to completely shield them from my view.

"Chocolate pudding…" Miss Agnes touched my arm. "Children these days." She held out a shiny yellow foil wrapper, just like the one I had picked up off the ground earlier. Her facial features contorted into something unreadable, and for a moment, I felt sure she was coming on to me. "Chocolate pudding…" she purred. I felt a tiny sharp pain on my backside. _Oh, crap_. She pinched my butt. I stood there staring, undoubtedly looking like a complete idiot, as she shoved the wrapper into my open hand and gave me a wink. "Chocolate is overrated." She purred. "I prefer banana myself."


	6. Bella, Baskets, and Burning

_A/N: So…I thought I was finished with this story. As it turns out, I wasn't. You have LindaRoo to thank/blame for that. I had the pleasure of Beta Reading her last chapter of "Edward in P.E." (if you haven't read it GO READ IT NOW! Hilariously brilliant) and it was so deliciously funny, that it made me miss writing fanfics. Consequently, this happens to be the longest chapter of Cullenary Education: Forks Sex Ed to date! (and probably my personal favorite)_

_A quick reminder: (since most of you read the story VERY long time ago) This takes place during Twilight, the day (although we have arrived at evening, now) before the Prom. Bella still doesn't know what Edward has planned, nor does she even realize/remember when Prom IS. _

_This story contains small shout outs to: ECABS, UG, & LindaRoo. It also contains an enormous homage to my favorite band on the planet: Hanson. Bonus points for you if you spot it. _

_Lastly I need to thank Ande for reading through this, and for being cool enough to spot the Hanson homage immediately. And thanks by the pound go to the lovely and talented LindaRoo, who did an outstanding (and rapid) beta on this chapter for me! I heart you._

_Okay, one more thing, then I will shut up and let you actually read. It didn't occur to me until after I was halfway through the writing of this chapter that in all of the fanfics and chapters I have ever written, I have never written Bella's POV before. I hope I managed to do it justice. :D_

_Twilight and all of the characters belong to the phenomenal Stephenie Meyer_.

**Bella, Baskets, and Burning**

We managed to make it into the Volvo and down the block before I burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles. Edward's lips froze in a half formed-smile for a moment before he broke down and began laughing, too. We were halfway to our destination by the time my fit of hysteria subsided, and when we were finally able to breathe again (well, when _I_ was able to breathe again—oxygen is about as necessary to Edward as chocolate cake is to a goldfish). I adjusted my seatbelt under my arm and turned to face him.

"Fix your seatbelt back. That's dangerous. And illegal," he reprimanded softly.

"I doubt the police are going to arrest the chief's daughter. I should be fine. You're a good driver…when you remember you aren't racing in the Indy 500, that is," I countered, raising an eyebrow playfully.

"Tell that to Charlie. He was furious when we pulled up and I slammed on the brakes. I'm an idiot, Bella. I'm so sorry I lost control and put you in danger." All signs of humor disappeared from his glorious face. "And the scene with Charlie was entirely my fault."

I ignored his guilty statement about endangering me, and snapped my seatbelt back across my shoulder in an attempt to distract and appease him. "Relax. It was inevitable, anyway. Alice has been warning me for weeks that this was coming."

"A rain of contraceptives on your front lawn was inevitable?" He stared at me in disbelief.

I felt myself blush, and quickly shook my head no. But Edward wasn't paying attention to me, he was too busy muttering rapidly and quietly to himself.

"Alice saw that coming and she didn't warn me? I didn't pick up on anything in her thoughts that…no, she wouldn't have wanted to embarrass her like that, _me_ maybe, but not Bella. If she wasn't already dead I would kill her. I can't believe… "

"Edward!" I interrupted him. "I don't think she knew about the—" _oh crap, why did I feel so embarrassed to say the word_, "—condoms. I meant the lecture that we're surely in for from Charlie. 'The Talk' has been looming on the horizon for awhile now, I think." I looked to him for confirmation. His mind-reading ability was often useful when dealing with my parental units.

"Yes, it has." He smirked and turned left into the parking lot of The Thriftway, the same store where I shopped after my first day at school here—the day I met Edward. It was where everyone in Forks bought their groceries because it was, well, the _only_ place in Forks to buy them. I noticed that the parking lot was almost completely full, which surprised me. Even though it was the only establishment in town, it was never very crowded.

"Why the grocerypalooza?" I wondered.

Edward glanced at me and raised one eyebrow. "Why the _what_?" he said, smirking.

"The crowd here. It reminds me of Phoenix. It never snows there, not really, but once or twice a year it will freeze and the roads will ice over. Whenever the weatherman predicts ice, everyone flocks to the stores and clears the shelves of bottled water and flashlights like the apocalypse is coming. This reminds me of that."

His eyebrows furrowed together in concentration. I could have sworn a look of mild alarm crossed his face, but it was gone so quickly I couldn't be certain it was ever there at all. "They aren't thinking anything particularly _apocalyptic_," he said. "It seems to only be excitement for the weekend that has everyone out tonight."

He slid smoothly into a parking space moments after the previous occupant vacated it, and quietly killed the ignition.

I let out a huge sigh and relaxed heavily against the back of the soft leather seat.

"What's wrong?" he asked me, his concern obvious on his face.

"I was still thinking about Phoenix. There were more exciting things to do there on a Friday night than grocery shop, but doing anything with you, even shopping for food you can't even eat, is so much more exciting than anything I ever did in Phoenix." _Phoenix_. I thought. I realized, with a start, that at some point in time—I couldn't pinpoint when—I'd stopped thinking of it as _back home_, and started thinking of it as _in Phoenix_. Edward was my home, now.

"Cheer up. We have something much more exciting to do this evening, too. We have a double date with the Police Chief and the lovely Miss Agnes."

I groaned. "I can't believe that gross old lady was hitting on Charlie. He's half her age! Seriously. What was she thinking?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak and I hurried to cut him off.

"No, no! It was only a figure of speech, Edward, I don't really want to know."

"No. You really don't," he assured me. "And do you realize that 'gross old lady' is younger than I am?" I stared at his youthful, inhuman beauty and rolled my eyes. "It's true," he insisted. "You know it is. You're lusting after a man who has been alive for more than one hundred years. And you aren't half my age, Bella. You're less than _one fifth_ of my age." He smirked again. "Emmett."

"Huh?" I managed to say before my door flew open, and I glimpsed the giant grin that dominated the face of Edward's giant brother.

"It _is_ true, Bella. You're totally crushing on an old dude. You're like a… gerontophile or something. No, wait! He's technically _dead_, too, so you're a necrophiliac _and_ a gerontophile. You weirdo."

I felt the heat rise to my face, but I giggled in spite of myself. Only Emmett could get away with teasing me like this. "Thanks for the vocabulary lesson. But what does that make you, Emmett? Rosalie isn't that much younger than Edward. And _she's_ dead, too."

"Necrophiliac, maybe," he snorted, "but not a gerontophile. Rose and I were born in the same year. That just makes me a young, impressionable boy that was corrupted and deflowered by a beautiful woman."

"Ha!" I heard the lilting voice of Alice Cullen, though I still could not see her. Emmett's giant body blocked everything else from view. "You were _deflowered_ long before you met Rosalie."

Emmett shrugged easily. "Yeah. Well, we don't all have Edward's restraint."

Alice and Emmett laughed. Edward and I did not.

"They aren't here," Edward told Emmett, both surprising and confusing me. I was accustomed to the numerous conversations that went on silently between my boyfriend and his family members, but I wasn't growing any less annoyed by them.

"Where are they?"

"What's not here?"

Emmett and I asked at the same moment.

"They're hidden under the bushes at Bella's house," Alice answered, having finally managed to budge Emmett far enough out the way as to be visible, herself.

"If you already knew that," Emmett huffed at her, "then why are we here?"

"I did know." She winked at me. "But there's going to be some things that happen here tonight that are much more fun than the condom water balloon fight you and Jasper have been planning to stage in the woods."

"What could be more fun than _that_?" Emmett chuckled and heartily nudged Alice in the ribs with his elbow, a gesture that would have crushed a normal human being like an aluminum can.

"Mike Newton is here shopping. With his grandma."

Emmett's face lit up like Christmas lights, and Edward's hardened in irritation.

"Can't you just leave the poor guy alone?" I groaned.

"No," Emmett and Alice chimed in unison, smiling at each other.

"Well, can we at least go inside then? We've got to pick up some food and then get back to Charlie before I get in any _more _trouble."

I pushed hard against Emmett's cold unyielding frame. I couldn't have budged him if he didn't want me to, any more than I could push a mountain out of my way, but he acknowledged that I was trying to shove him out of my way, and moved. Edward slid gracefully out of the driver's seat and walked briskly around to the spot Emmett emptied. He reached to help me out of the car—_stupid walking cast_—and turned to look pointedly at Alice.

"Speaking of the trouble Bella is in…" he raised one eyebrow, "you didn't happen to catch any previews of this afternoon's debacle that played on the stage of Charlie Swan's front lawn, now did you?"

"I did, actually." She beamed at us.

"Alice!" I nearly shouted. "How could you embarrass me like that?" I was hurt that she would intentionally allow me to go through that ordeal.

"Oh, calm down. I didn't see it until right before it happened, when you decided to go all seductress on Edward and made him lose control of the vehicle."

"Gerontophile," Emmett taunted.

"Necrophiliac," I countered.

An old man in a beat up truck pulled up behind us and stopped. "You coming or going?" he shouted over his thunderous engine.

"Sorry. We just got here," Alice answered, as politely as possible for someone who was shouting loudly.

It suddenly struck me that the man was shielding his eyes with his hand…against the sun. We had been loitering in a parking lot on a sunny afternoon. Not the most brilliant thing to do when you sparkle like a priceless gem in direct sunlight. I shielded my own eyes with my hand and inspected the three 'siblings' more closely. I 'd been oblivious to the way they constantly stayed in the shadow cast by the giant Laundromat/ Bingo House next to the Thriftway. _I wonder if I'll have much aptitude for that sort of thing if Alice's first vision about me ever comes true…I mean…_when _Alice's first vision about me comes true. _I mentally corrected myself_. Or will I be the vampire equivalent of a klutz, standing in the sun on a crowded parking lot sparkling and glittering like a moron?_

Emmett's booming voice snapped me from my reverie. "Lets go inside before another old dude comes along and Bella decides she'd rather play seductress to him than to prudish old Sex _Edward_."

None of us validated his joke with a remark, but we did head in the direction of the glass entryway of the store. Edward somehow managed to not only save me from tripping over two speed bumps—_stupid walking cast_—but he also managed to avoid putting on a sparkling skin light display by darting between the shadows.

The grocery store wasn't as crowded as I'd expected from the overflow of cars in the parking lot. "Where is everybody?" I asked, to no one in particular.

"Friday night is Bingo Night," Edward answered simply, and gestured to the building beside us.

"Hey! Old people! That's right up your alley, Bella. Sure you don't want to go?"

"Shut up, Emmett." I shoved him again, knocking myself off balance in the process—_stupid walking cast_—and was saved from falling by Edward. Again.

Edward rolled a shopping cart in front of me, which made it easier to walk. It brought to mind images of an old lady with a walker, but I didn't point that out. I didn't want Emmett to call me a geriatric, too.

We'd barely taken a step when Alice faked a serious look and spoke quietly in a voice that was not her own. "This is Mother Bird calling Baby Bird. Come in Baby Bird."

"This is Baby Bird," Emmett said, just as quietly.

"Target sighted at 3 o'clock and approaching. Do you copy?"

"Of course they copy," I retorted and gestured to the sign on the wall above the cashier we were passing. "Twenty four hours a day, in color."

Emmett rolled his eyes at me and slipped easily back into his Bond, James Bond persona. "Target incoming."

I looked to my right to see a red-faced Mike Newton approaching us. "Uh, hey Bella," he called to me.

"Hi, Mike." _Well, isn't this awkward._ _Surely he isn't shopping for produce after what happened today._ "So you're stuck grocery shopping on a Friday night, too?" _Of course, after his display today, it was no wonder his social life was a little shot._

"Yeah. I'm hanging with the family tonight. Jess is too busy getting ready for tomorrow to do anything."

"Tomorrow?" I asked.

Mike gave me an incredulous look. "Yeah, tomorrow, you know, the…"

_CRASH_

The enormous sound of hundreds of aluminum cans crashing in waves at our feet cut off whatever it was Mike said. I turned around, and nearly tripped—_stupid walking cas_t—over several of the cans, which were, under closer inspection, cans of moist dog food.

"What the..." I started to ask, when I realized that Alice was holding several cans in her hand, and loaded several in our basket.

"Oh, my," she squeaked. "I'm so embarrassed! I was just getting some food for Fido, and I accidentally knocked all these over. I'm such a klutz!"

Mike leaned over to help clean away the debris, and I gave Alice a puzzled look. She shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. I was beyond confused. Alice Cullen was as much of a klutz as I was a sumo wrestler. And Fido? The Cullen's didn't have a dog. In a desperate situation they might have a dog for dinner, but never for a pet. Something was up.

"That's my sister," Edward said, shaking his head in mock disapproval. I gave him the same puzzled look I'd given Alice, and got the same nonchalant shoulder shrug in reply. Something was _definitely_ up.

"Hey, Em, can you help Alice clean this up? Bella and I have to finish shopping, we're already running late."

"Sure." Emmett was already corralling fallen cans and restacking them on the display.

"Later Newton," Edward said coolly.

"See ya," he called at our retreating forms. I gave him a little wave, knowing that I probably looked every bit as confused as he did.

"We'll grab a new basket and finish up here," Edward said brightly.

"Okay. Spill," I said when we were too far away from Mike to be overheard.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe your _klutzy_ sister knocking over the giant display of dog food for her beloved _Fido_." I frowned at him.

"You're cute when you're irritated," he whispered, pulling me closer to his body as he helped me waddle over to a new basket.

"No way, Edward Cullen. I won't be so easily distracted." I stopped walking. "I'm not going another step until you tell me what's going on."

He turned to face me, and pressed his forehead against mine, unleashing the full power of his topaz gaze. "What, don't I still dazzle you?" he asked playfully.

_Damn him._ "You know you do," I admitted. "But that's not the issue."

"What would be the issue, then?" He lips were dangerously close to my ear now, and he ran his finger along the line of my jaw. I couldn't stop the thrill that ran up my spine. It was somehow even more alluring since we were in a very public place. _I have to get a hold of myself. If someone calls Charlie and tells him we're making out in the middle of the Thriftway aisle, he'll never let me out of the house again._ I pulled away slightly from Edward, but not before his cold lips brushed the skin of my exposed neck. He chuckled in response to my suddenly rapid pulse. "The issue?" he prompted.

_What was the issue? Oh, right. Alice's freak out. _

"Why did Alice spill dog food all over the store?"

My longing was a palpable ache when he pulled his body away from mine and pushed a new shopping cart in front of me. "Bella, what do you think I am, a mind reader?"

We were halfway down the aisle before I got over my irritation enough to persist with my questioning. "Just tell me."

"You know how Emmett is. He's going to play some kind of prank on Newton. Alice is in on it."

_Okay. That didn't really answer my question. _"Fine, Edward. _Don't_ tell me." I gave him a stern look and pushed hard against the metal basket. The cart moved forward, but my feet stayed planted. I was falling. Again. _Stupid walking cast! They should have just let James eat me! I'm going to break my neck and die because of this stupid cast, anyway. It was all for naught._

It wasn't Edward who saved me this time, but Emmett. He appeared out of nowhere just in time to catch me. "Have a nice trip, Bella?"

"Shut up, Emmett." He set me gently back on my feet behind the shopping cart.

In response to something that I could neither see nor hear, both Emmett and Alice ducked out of sight behind different displays. I was not so irritated that the sight of giant Emmett Cullen hunkered behind a display of maxi pads didn't make me laugh. I don't think _that_ much irritation is even humanly possible.

"What are they doing?" I asked Edward.

"Hiding."

"Oh, thank you for that brilliant assessment, Edward. I would have never figured _that_ out without your inhuman skills of deduction."

Emmett snickered, still partially hidden from sight by feminine hygiene products.

A voice that was somehow simultaneously shrill and gravelly pierced silence. "What is the meaning of this, Mike Newton?"

_Oh, no_. I was pretty sure that odd voice was the voice of Mike's grandmother.

A crimson-faced elderly woman pushed past the aisle we were standing on, followed by an even redder-faced version of Mike. The shopping cart he pushed was overflowing with the same brand of feminine hygiene products that Emmett was currently using as a shield. "What on earth were you thinking young man?"

"I…I…I didn't put these in the cart?" He phrased his denial as a question. "Maybe I grabbed the wrong basket?"

"No. That is my purse in the cart. And liars burn in Hell, Mike. Do you want to go to Hell?"

"No. But I'm not lying Gramma! I really didn't"

"For eternity Mike, They burn for eternity…"

"Yes, Gramma," he answered dejectedly.

"Now go put those back where you got them."

"But I didn't…"

"Now, Mike. Do it now!"

"Yes, Gramma." He turned his tampon laden shopping cart down the aisle where we were standing; the aisle where Emmett and Alice were hiding after their misdeed. I looked up to find both of them gone. I hoped, (without much conviction) that it would come true, that their prank would end here, that they would leave poor Mike alone.

He turned down the aisle, saw Edward and I standing there, and froze.

"Interesting shopping habits, Newton," Edward said casually.

I shot him a quick glare and turned to face a humiliated Mike. "We heard your grandmother." I supplied. His jaw twitched. "Does she do things like that often?"

The confusion on his face deepened. "Tell me I'm going to hell?"

"No. Fill your cart with random items and then blame you. I had a friend back in Phoenix whose Grandpa suffered from Alzheimer's, too, and stuff like that used to happen all the time."

"Alzheimer's?" He asked, his pale blue eyes blank. He suddenly realized this might be a way out for him… "Oh, yeah. I guess…"

"Here, take this." I pushed our still empty basket to him.

"Thanks, Bella." The warmth in his voice was obvious, and obviously genuine. I felt Edward stiffen beside me.

"No problem. Don't forget her purse." He smiled awkwardly at me, and pushed his newly acquired—and tampon free—basket back to find his Gramma.

"You realize that he's scared to death now, right? He assumed it was some sort of prank, but when you mentioned Alzheimer's, he got more upset than he already was. He's going to _drive_ the old woman crazy watching for symptoms now."

"She's not…I mean, she doesn't…does she?"

Edward was still and quiet for a moment, listening, I assumed. "No. She's mentally sound. And she'll stay that way for years to come, telling Mike all about the different ways he is going to burn in Hell." He winked at me, and then with a quick glance to assure no one was watching, emptied Mike's cart of its contents, stacked them with inhuman speed back on the shelf, and pushed the now bare basket in front of me.

I glanced down at my watch. We had been gone for more than half an hour already. "We really better get what we're here to get, and then head back to Charlie's. I don't want to make him any madder."

"I agree. What do you want to get?"

"I had been thinking some sort of pudding, but not _banana_ pudding."

"Chocolate?" He asked.

"I don't know. I hate the packaged kind, and it takes too long to make from scratch. Maybe something besides pudding."

We turned down another aisle, this one filled with cake mixes. "Do you want to bake?"

"I don't think we have…"

"MIKE NEWTON!" the gravelly voice screeched again. "I am going to tell your father about this! What the devil has gotten into you?"

"I didn't…"

"Stop it Mike. You know about liars."

"Gramma, are you sure you didn't put these here?"

"Sinful! Shameful! How could you even suggest that I would touch those…those things? I should have never let your parents move you to this God-forsaken state. Too dreary. You need some sun, that's all it is. Some sun and some discipline."

I was scared to turn the corner and look. "What did they do this time?" I groaned to Edward.

"Condoms. Lots of condoms." Emmett's voice behind me made me jump. "And a few dozen tubes of KY personal lubricant," he added with a spreading grin.

"That's really not nice guys. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"

"Nope," Emmett answered. Alice just shrugged, a hazy twinkle in her eye letting me know that she wasn't really here with me, but caught up in some distant future that may or may not ever exist.

Mike turned down the aisle where the four of us now stood with his basket of shame in plain view.

"Hey, man," Emmett said, false sympathy in his voice. "I heard about your grandmother. That's too bad. But there are treatments that can help…you should get her into a good doctor. Maybe Carlisle could refer you to someone."

Embarrassment was replaced with panic on Mike's face. "Oh, thanks. I'll…look into that." I pushed my still empty basket towards him. "Are you sure?" he asked, but didn't hesitate to transfer the purse into it. "You're a lifesaver." His tone was distant, and he walked away without waiting for a response.

"Okay, Emmett. That was just _cruel_." I bypassed irritation in favor of downright anger.

"The condoms? Or the lube?" he asked me, seriously.

"Not that, although that was crude. The bit about treatment and all that. Edward says he's really upset and worried for her now."

"Oh, sorry about that. I didn't mean to upset you Bella, just to give eye of Newt a hard time."

"Just do me a favor, okay?" I sighed.

"What?" he intoned skeptically. I noticed he didn't actually agree to do what I asked, he just questioned what it was.

"If you play any more pranks on the poor boy, make it something that he will realize has nothing to do with his Grandmother."

A devilish grin spread under his curly mop, and Alice giggled quietly. She must have seen the results of his new decision. "I think I can manage that."

"Good. Now, back to dessert." I spun to face Edward. "I don't think I have time to bake a cake _and_ make dinner for all the unexpected guests."

"We could pick one up at the bakery," he suggested.

"Good idea. But I think we need to split up. We're going to be late, and I'm going to end up grounded. You get the cake, I'll get extra noodles and sauce ingredients."

"I'll get the cake," Emmett offered. I couldn't decide if he was doing it to abate my earlier anger at him, or if it symbolized another Emmett Escapade he was planning. It didn't really matter, though. There wasn't time to argue.

I gave him a weary look. "Okay Emmett. Meet us at the register?"

"Deal." He smirked, and my answering smile was automatic. He was impossible to remain angry with for long. "Gerontophile." _Well, okay, maybe _not that hard_ to stay angry with._

Another empty basket appeared before me. I'd lost count of the number of carts I'd steered since we first entered the building, but with any luck, we could finish the shopping quickly and get out of there before another basket swap became necessary.

Edward and I were able to collect the additional ingredients we needed fairly quickly. We grabbed more noodles, more tomato sauce—which Edward wrinkled his nose up at—and more ground beef. Satisfied, we headed up to the front counter. It was difficult to maneuver through the suddenly crowded store. Bingo had let out minutes before, and scores of elderly people swarmed into the Thriftway. Maybe they were just bored, or maybe they needed some Tums after their exciting evening out.

By the time we pushed our way to the checkout line, Alice was already there waiting for us. In her tiny hands was a brown paper bakery box. I was just about to question her on the cake she selected when I heard the theft detection system go off, announcing that someone was caught stealing. _Probably kids. _Other than traffic violations, about the most action that the Forks Police saw was Jr. High kids trying to alleviate their boredom with small bouts of kleptomania. My view of the front door was blocked by the mob of old people who surrounded the perpetrator, so I turned to Edward for confirmation of my suspicion.

"Middle schoolers?"

"Not quite." He allowed himself a quick, crooked smile, before retreating behind the mask of indifference he so often wore in public. "Newton."

"Emmett," I hissed, making his name a curse.

"Yes, Bella?" he appeared behind me so quietly that I hadn't even realized he was there…which was quite a feat for someone of his size...vampire or no vampire.

"We had a deal."

"We do have a deal. There's no way he can blame this one on the old bag. He won't think she's going crazy." He winked at me.

The security guard escorted a dazed looking Mike over to the copy center I'd pointed out when we first entered. It made me think of poor Hester Prynne being paraded in front of her community. The bingo babes clustered around Mike and his very distraught looking grandmother. He looked directly at me, but I don't think he even registered who I was. _Poor Mike_. The bald rent-a-cop emptied the pockets of his letter jacket, searching for the stolen item that set of the alarm. At least a dozen condoms and two tubes of KY lubricant came out of the left pocket. Emmett and Alice laughed quietly, and gave each other knowing looks.

"This is not cool guys. He's going to get in a lot of trouble over this. Real trouble," I snapped under my breath.

"Nah. He won't," Alice assured. I thought it was futile to argue the future with Alice, so I shut my mouth and watched.

The security guard fished around in his other pocket and came out with—_oh crap_—a banana, a copy of _Playboy,_ and a slip of white paper.

Alice leaned in to whisper to me. "That's the receipt for the purchase of everything in his pockets. See, he won't get into trouble."

He inspected the receipt, and then turned to face the crowd. "Nothing to see here, folks. Just a pervert, not a thief."

I heard mutterings from the geriatric mob that sounded remarkably like "pervert," "damned kids", and "way to go, boy!" Just exactly like poor Hester, Mike had been humiliated in public, but instead of a Scarlet Letter, he bore only a scarlet face to display his shame.

His grandmother grabbed his sleeve and pulled him toward the door. "Perverts burn in Hell too, Mike. They burn worse than the liars." He allowed himself to be led outside without a word.

The cashier, whose nametag read "Linda", finally drew her eyes away from the spectacle long enough to ring up our purchases. I gave her exact change—refusing both Edward and Alice's attempts to pay—and finally left the Thriftway. Our shopping trip had taken so long that the sun was already below the horizon.

"See ya later, Bella," Emmett called to me when we stepped outside.

"Actually," Alice all but sang, "I'm coming to get you in the morning! Edward has things to do…official vampire business," she teased. "And a girls day is just the thing!"

"You aren't going to primp and prod me again, are you?" The last time Edward went hunting she made me try on dozens of chic, undoubtedly expensive shirts. There would have been pants and dresses, too, but that was before I graduated to a walking cast. No doubt next time would involve an entire wardrobe.

"Oh, hush. It will be fun!"

I very much doubted that, but I didn't argue. "See you tomorrow, then," I answered, resigned to my fate.

Edward helped me to the Volvo with one arm, and carried the whole of our purchases with the other. I was dying to ask him about Emmett's prank, but I didn't dare while we were still in such a public place. After the groceries were secured in the backseat, and we were on the road, I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"How did Emmett get all of those things in Mike's pocket without him noticing?"

He met my gaze with his gorgeous topaz eyes—which meant his gaze was not on the road—but I was getting used to that. "He didn't, Bella. Although, he undoubtedly could if he'd wanted to. It would be a _challenge_ to get a full size magazine into a pocket without Mike noticing that it was there, but Emmett could have inserted it and been gone before Mike could even blink. But he didn't have to. Mike bought all those things himself at the gas station earlier."

"But then…why…the alarm?" I finished lamely.

"Ah, that _was_ Emmett's doing. He stuck one of the silver sensors for the detector on Mike's back."

"Oh." _Well, gee. Guess Emmett wasn't quite as guilty as I'd expected, and I guess Mike wasn't quite as innocent._

Edward turned into Charlie's driveway much more smoothly than his memorable display of parking skill that afternoon. There were several more large shiny cars—cars that announced "I am an old woman, and I will drive on whichever side of the road I see fit, thank you very much"—surrounding the house now. I groaned. _I've never cooked for this many people before. Which reminds me…_

"Hey, Edward. What kind of cake did they get?"

The half smile that I love came to life before he spoke. "They didn't select a cake."

"Huh?"

"They chose a pie. A _Banana Cream_ pie."


End file.
